Twelve Months Without Alcohol

A drunken night and The Scale of change…. Or…My life without alcohol…..
So, I have not blogged in forever. No matter, nobody reads my blogs in the first place. I actually have been writing the past couple years but it’s been more for therapeutic reasons and to clear my head. Major shout out to my long-time friend Kelly Jankowiak. The only other girl I love, other than my wife and daughter. She knows me very well. So here we go… Sometime back in October of 2019 my family was over at Kelly and Chris’s (The Carques) house. Something we have done many, many times over the years. Kids play, parents drink, we enjoy music, conversation, talk about life, what is bothering us, politics, social media nonsense, family drama, Netflix shows, education, our kids, etc. At around 10 p.m., and after three hours of inebriation, Kelly decided to go to her bathroom and come back out with a scale. Yes, a scale. To this day, I have no idea what the hell she was thinking or doing. Who grabs a scale in the middle of a party and decides it would be a good idea for a bunch of drunk 40 year-olds to weigh themselves? Kelly does. Alcohol will make you do strange things, but it may have saved me. I didn’t know this at the time. I volunteered to get on the scale. I didn’t care, it’s just a scale. And, well, I had been drinking. I weighed 214 lbs. Chris was next, then our friend Nick, and so on. Everyone laughed at each other. Good times. We left the Carques that night around 11. I woke up the next day and was hoping the 214 I saw on the scale was somehow inaccurate. I weighed myself on my own scale. Accurate. Damn it! I had noticed my work pants were getting tighter, but 214 was unacceptable. (To put this in perspective, when I graduated from high school I was 160 lbs. After college, 180 lbs. I spent my 30s between 180-190. I’m six feet tall, so even though I wasn’t morbidly obese, I was officially fat. No bones about it, I was overweight and out of shape. I wish I could tell you I started dieting and working out the next day. I could tell you that, but it would not be true. Dec 2, 2019- The talk. Yuck. My amazing wife, Erin, texted me in the morning and told me we needed to talk. I was horrified. I already knew what it was about. My drinking. More importantly, my lying about my drinking. We went to dinner that night and Erin told me she could handle the drinking, but it was getting to be a bit too much. What she could not handle was the lying about the drinking. I’ll give her credit- she did not give me an ultimatum or guilt me into not drinking. Hell, she didn’t even ask me to stop drinking. It was more like, uh, maybe dial it down a notch. Deep down, however, I knew I had to. Even if only to prove it myself. Ironically, my plan was to stop until New Years Eve and then back to drinking! Hip hip hooray! Well, today is November 18, 2020, and I haven’t had a drink since. It has been just about 12 months since I last had alcohol. Quite the journey. There’s a few things I learned. The following is not meant to be preachy or to scare anyone that reads this. My wife still drinks, and I am totally cool with it. This is just my personal assessment of my year without booze. Something I had to do for me. Habit or addiction? I’ll admit, the first 2-4 weeks without alcohol was difficult. Actually, very difficult, and anyone that tells you differently is either not being truthful or was not a daily (4-6 days a week) drinker like I was. Alcohol is a drug, drugs are addictive. But it is also a choice. At 4:00 p.m. (my favorite time of day to start) I had a choice to make to either drink or not drink. Now, I’ll never understand why the label states ‘drugs and alcohol’ when it should probably just be ‘drugs’. I think because alcohol is so widely used and advertised, it makes people sleep better at night if alcohol is labeled, well, alcohol. Compartmentalized if you will. I won’t get it to the science of it but alcohol is ethanol, and ethanol is basically poison. Was my drinking a habit or an addiction? My answer to this is another question…. Does it matter? If I am ingesting a toxin that is not good for my heart, liver, or brain, does it really matter if I’m calling it my habit or addiction? It’s all in the words, and words make people (myself included) feel better. Habits can be positive or negative. I have a good habit of taking out the trash and emptying the dishwasher. I have many bad habits. Addiction can only be negative. It’s a scary word, people do not like the word. I get it. I do not like it either. The justification and power of denial. The majority of people consume more alcohol as time goes on. When I think of my own drinking habits (see, I still won’t label it an addiction lol), this holds true. I used to drink 1-2 times a week, but as time went on and my tolerance increased, I drank more nights a week, and consumed more alcohol during each session. And as time went on, my breaks of 1-2 weeks OFF from drinking seemed to rarely happen. Many people are not ‘take it or leave it’ drinkers. I certainly was not. And many people who are ‘take it or leave it’, eventually become daily drinkers. Me. I then began to justify my alcohol intake internally (which lead to major anxiety). These were not good justifications (reasons), but here goes: I deserve it... I worked hard this week, I deserve some cold beers. This was favorite reason to drink. Milestones, weddings, birthdays... Let’s celebrate with some beers! My daughter turned 7, let’s bring it on home with 10 beers. Makes zero sense. I’ve been to two weddings this past year. Not one drink. I had a great time, wait for it, BECAUSE of the people (my friends) I was with and the experience. I think I was often tricking myself into thinking that alcohol was the reason I was having a good time. It’s not, it was the people I was with. I have learned that alcohol has not made me a better dancer. I’m terrible with or without it. I’m stressed out…. I used this one a lot. What I have learned is that alcohol intake increases stress, anxiety, and blood pressure. Over time, it creates more stress and anxiety; it does not relieve it. This one is tough because I did not learn this until I went about 5-6 months with alcohol. If alcohol is a depressant, how could it possibly relieve stress? It cannot. And if it makes you happy or in a good mood (which I admit, for me, it did) then how come I wasn’t super happy the more I drank? It was the opposite. The more I drank, the worse I felt. Then I’d wake up the next day and feel like crap. I’m bored. This was a common excuse, and I am ashamed I ever used it. I couldn’t find anything better to do than to drink pinot noir? I have four kids, and I tricked myself into thinking I was bored, so I’ll drink for 2-3 hours. Comical. I like the taste... Great reason! And I do like the taste of beer and wine. But again, probably not the best reason to justify drinking 6-8 beers every other night. I like ice cream, but it would not be smart to eat a half gallon of it every day. I guess that is what’s funny about alcohol. It’s bad for me, I know it’s bad for me, but I was drinking a lot of it every day. If I used that same rationale for McDonald’s, what would happen? I like Big Macs, they taste great, I know they are bad for me, but I am going to eat 2-3 of them daily. Doesn’t add up. ____________________________________________________ Will I ever drink again? I am on the fence about it because the more I stay away from alcohol, the happier I am. So, yeah, it is hard for me to justify it right now, when things are so much better for me when I’m not drinking. Positives (reasons to limit alcohol or to stop)… Physical health/weight loss... Like I said earlier, I did not stop drinking immediately after stepping on that scale. It was around six weeks later that my wife gave me the talk. After the talk, I stopped cold turkey. I am an idiot, I’ll admit, but even I was not going to risk my marriage. I was still fat, but I wanted to change that. I knew that, for me, I could not get into shape if I was still drinking. So, I told myself if I could go ten weeks without alcohol, I would start working out. It never made sense to me to start working out while drinking four to five times a week. I knew I would just be disappointed in myself. So, I started working out in February, and yes, the weight came off. And of course it did… a little exercise, better diet, and a weekly 4,000 caloric deficit…how could it not? My blood pressure also is at a normal level for the first time in my life. I find it hilariously ironic that less than a year ago size 36 inch pants barely fit, and now Kelly is telling me I’m too skinny, to ‘eat a burger’. She never said this when I was getting on the scale. The irony! Finances... This is an easy one but I was spending around $3000 a year on alcohol. To put this into perspective…if I took the money I spent on alcohol the past twenty years and put it into a Roth, with an average return, I’d have around $138,000. Nothing more to say here. Trust... I think my wife (you know, the most important person in the world) is finally starting to trust me. She no longer says ‘be careful’ 14 times when I go somewhere. Was it nagging? No, not really. She was never sure if I was going to go out and have a few beers. Her trust in me is worth so much. I think it took her awhile, but now I only hear ‘be careful’ one or two times a day. And that is just fine by me. Energy... Simple. I have more of it. I used to always be tired and sluggish. Now, I am 41, and have four kids, so I do get tired from time to time, but my energy levels are through the roof. I wake up at 4-5 a.m. ready to go. Skin/hair... Weird to list this as a positive, but my hair doesn’t fall out as much in the shower and my skin has a different feel to it. This may be a placebo effect because my diet is better, but figured I’d mention it. Mental health... I feel a sense of freedom. Now, this is hard for me to explain and extremely personal but I’m going to try…I’ve never considered myself a person who had to deal with depression, but my best friend (other than Chris Carque) was my brother. I mean, we were 15 months apart, so you can imagine that bond. Ironically, he died because of depression. I’ll always deal with his death. I think of him several times a day. I drank a lot more when he passed, but I refuse to believe I had problems with drinking because of his death. That would be a total cop out, and a disservice to my brother. In Conclusion… when I was drinking, I always felt like a weight in the pit of my stomach. Sometimes it felt like a shadow, or a cloud or a dark feeling. Again, hard to explain. Sometimes I even tried to drink away that feeling. It never worked, but the alcohol numbed me enough into where I forgot my emotions/depression. Not healthy by any means, but that is what I did. It is almost like I was drinking to forget my problems, or my issues. And I’ll admit, by nature, I am a very confident person. I will also admit that my life is great. Personally, I love my wife and my kids, good career, nice house, cool mini-van lol. In theory, I had my ‘sh!t’ together, but the drinking always bothered me. I couldn’t beat it or fix it, so I felt like alcohol always had this grip on me, like it controlled me, and I felt ashamed that I allowed it to have power over me for so long. And this is what was hard for me because I’ve always considered myself resourceful and solution-based. But I was failing when it came to controlling my drinking. I was losing. If I’m being honest, I felt embarrassed by it. I have all these great things going for me in my life, but I can’t control my drinking? I felt lost and almost hopeless, and I would try to cut back but then something would happen, and I’d start drinking again. Then I would beat myself up over it and feel ashamed. This caused anxiety, sometimes panic. It was an awful, vicious cycle. So, with that uplifting message out of the way, I am happy to report that I do not feel that way anymore. That is what 12 months has done for me. It has given me a new perspective about alcohol, and the role I want it to have in my life. Cheers!

Earthy? No Thank You.

I recently went up to Boulder, Colorado with my coaching staff and our baseball team. We played a tournament up there. Got out of the Vegas heat and out of the zoo that is Las Vegas. This was our third trip up there and it's always fun. I enjoy the mountains and I enjoy the weather but the people of Boulder always make me laugh. I call them "Earthy". I don't want to make a generalization so I'll say many people in Boulder are "Earthy" not all of them. Anyway, many of them don't wash their hair or wear shoes. Many of them ride bikes and drink tea. Showers seem to be a once a week thing. I also saw a few women with hairy armpits. To each their own I suppose. It's just not for me. I am not earthy. It's just not me. I do like long hair but not dread locks. I will wear Birkenstocks just don't tell me wife. But I won't go bare foot. If I was a girl I'd shave my pits. I will be the first to admit I do not recycle. I also drive a car that is bad for the environment. I don't buy recycled products unless it's by mistake. I have nothing against being globally concerned for our planet but it's not something I worry about. Sorry. I also don't like nature much. I've never been to the Grand Canyon and I don't like hiking. Picnics? Ummm, no. Camping? Sure, as long as it's at my parent's cabin (A/C and a flat screen). Fishing? Sure, just make sure I have enough beer. I live 3 miles from Red Rock Canyon. I've been there once. I don't know why I'm not into the outdoors. I just don't like spending my free time being outside. I think it's because I coach baseball. I'm outside ALL the time and when I do have free time I don't want to spend my time outside. I guess that's why. I'd rather read a book indoors. In any case I appreciate all the earth conscious people out there. I really do. And I'm sorry for not recycling and I'm sorry I don't drive an electric car. I wish you the best in saving Mother Earth.

Megabucks...

I sometimes daydream about what it would be like to win the lottery or hit Megabucks here in Vegas. Being that we don't have a lottery and I wouldn't play it if we did, and the fact that I play slots maybe once every 2 years, it will probably stay a dream. Oh well.

But I do find it hilarious when people say they'd still go to work. The following comments really annoy me:

"I would be bored"
or
"I like work"
or
"I enjoy going to work"
or
"What else would I do with my time?"
or
"I'd miss work"

That's crap. You wouldn't be bored anymore if you had 10 million dollars. If you were still bored then you have mental issues and nothing is going to fix that. You'd find something to do. And with all your money, you could afford to do things you normally wouldn't have been able to afford. So can the 'bored' talk.

And work? Nobody likes their colleagues or their place of employment that much. Nobody. If I won 10 million dollars I wouldn't finish the year or even the rest of the week. Hell, I'd be gone at lunch. Gone! At least I'm willing to admit it.

"Hey, where's Derek today?"

"Oh, I heard he hit the lottery."

"Really? He's not going to finish the school year?"

"Nope... told me to tell everyone at work see ya later and have a nice life. And don't bother calling because he's moving. But he is going to pay for this year's christmas party."


If I hit it big I wouldn't really change that much. I like to think of myself as a very giving and loyal person. I'm willing to do anything for my wife, my daughter and my friends. I really am. I also really enjoy coaching baseball and I do find that selfless because I spend hundreds of hours of my life coaching for basically no pay. So, if anything, if I won money and didn't have to work I would be able to give more of my time to others.

As far as luxuries are concerned I would hire a maid. I don't enjoy cleaning the house.

I would not have a landscaper. I do enjoy yardwork.

I'd have a cook. I like to cook but not that much. New vehicle? Not for me. I love my truck and don't enjoy driving cars. I would buy my wife a sport's car though.

I'd buy a bigger house. But not crazy. 2800 square feet would be plenty. More space than that wouldn't be necessary.

I would write a book. It may not be good, but with the extra free time I would have I would do that.

Charity? I would not give to a specific character. I would, however, find families in need and give them money.

Ultimately, and in conclusion, I know I wouldn't miss work and I wouldn't be bored !

Been A Long Time...

It's been awhile since I've written a blog. I hate saying I've been busy because that's such a typical excuse. Everyone's busy. Or, that's the excuse people give when they've been avoiding you. I did have a major life change in the form of a 16 pound human being that lives in the room next to mine. Her name is Shea. My daughter. And she's becoming more and more interesting and cute with each passing day. My wife still does the majority of the work but I help out when I can.

Babies are hilarious. The amount of things that change in the first 9 months of life is amazing. When they first come into your life they are useless. Can't do a darn thing! Can't even hold their head up. Now, Shea is crawling all over the place, sprouting teeth (which can't feel pleasant), standing up on things, holding her own bottle, making noises that are cute but not coherent, eating mushy food which smells gross and a myriad of other things that really aren't that incredible but considering what they did for the first 90 days it's pretty cool.

OK, baby food is hilarious. When a baby eats 'bananas' it's not bananas, it's yellow paste. When a baby eats 'chicken with veggies' it's brown paste. Green beans? Nope. Green paste. Strawberries? Nope. Red paste. You get the idea. 79 cents a jar. Yum!

Another thing I've noticed... everything a baby grabs goes right into their mouth. My daughter seems to love the remote control, cell phones- working or not doesn't matter, car keys, and anything else you can imagine that might have 4.5 million germs. Apparently her fake plastic toy keys don't have enough germs on them. She like her keys made of medal and germs. She can eat fake chicken and veggies but she likes real keys. Weird.

And there are things that make no sense to me when it comes to babies. Like shoes and socks? Why do we put shoes on a baby? They don't walk anywhere. And socks? Why bother? My kid just pulls them off and tries to eat them. Hats? Aren't those cute. Nope, babies don't care for those. But they'll chew on them for a while.

Ever tried dressing a baby? That's an adventure. Putting pants on a baby is no walk in the park. Snap-buttoning a onsie? Yeah, good luck with that. I can never get it right.

Picture time.

We take lots and lots of pictures of our babies. Isn't this fun? We try everything to make the baby:

1) look at the camera

2) smile

It rarely works. I feel bad for parents that raised kids in the pre-digital camera age. Poor saps probably wasted roll after roll of film just to get 3 decent pics of their kid. We shoot about 400 pics to try and get a few solid pics so we can show off our pride and joy. It's daunting.

But I will say this... it's worth it. Any parent that's ever picked up their baby and got a smile will tell you there's no greater joy in the world. And there isn't. I love my kid. Hopefully the next 6 months will bring more teeth, some hair, words that make sense, and walking. Fun stuff.

What Have You Done?

First-

Congratulations to the Lady Ags of A&M as they won the 2011 NCAA basketball tournament. UCONN and Stanford were the favorites but they didn't even make it to the championship game. Go Ags!

Ok, now for the show...

Kids got it good! Really good. Especially babies. I thought my dogs were spoiled. Well, they are, but nothing comes close to how spoiled babies are. They don't do anything. They get fed, cleaned, kissed, held, wiped, cuddled and pleased every single minute of the day. Waited on like royalty. And all the while they get packages in the mail for them. Tons and tons of clothes they'll never remember wearing, toys to stop them from crying (that they'll never remember), diapers they'll soil, and cards they don't know how to read. Must be nice.

You know who should be getting gifts in the mail? The parents! Especially the moms. My wife deserves new outfits, cool toys and nice cards and a few balloons too. My wife can use the new clothes because her current ones get baby spit all over them. And my wife knows how to read so a card would actually be appreciated.

What has my kid done to deserve this praise? Nothing. Not a damn thing. It's really silly if you ask me.

And then for the rest of a baby's life we celebrate the day they were born. Why do we do this? It's not an accomplishment. You know what is an accomplishment? Going through labor for 30 hours and spitting out a 6 pound person. That's an achievement we should celebrate with gifts and praise.

I think when women give birth they should forfeit their own birthday and take their offspring's birthday and call that 'Labor Day' and then celebrate that every single year. They've earned it. Trust me, they've earned it! I witnessed my wife's labor and it deserves plenty of praise. My daughter didn't do much but cry and whine and now were showering her with gifts while my wife is gettting no sleep and spit all over her old clothes that should be replaced by 'new' clothes because of the work she did.

This in no way means I don't love my daughter. I do. She's awesome. But it sure does make me laugh when I see all the stuff she's getting for just being cute.

Dads don't really deserve much. We're awkward at best in the caregiving department.

Cute as a Bug...

I've been a dad for 2 weeks. One thing is for sure....I still don't know what I'm doing. I hold the baby she cries. I give baby back to mommy and the baby is fine. Maybe I smell weird or don't hold her right. Who knows?

A few things I've noticed the last few weeks that make me laugh. In our baby room we have a little quote on the wall: Cute as a bug. Seriously, what the hell does that mean? Very common saying, but there's one problem with it...bugs aren't cute! I hate bugs. I do everything to get rid of bugs. I pay a guy 20 bucks a month to kill my bugs. So, why on earth do we have sayings like "cute as a bug"?!? It's comical to me.

Another thing I've noticed is that a lot of baby stuff- clothes, toys, sheets, etc.- utilize the smiling bear. A grizzly bear. Really? It's one of the most viscious animals in the world. One swipe from a bear paw can kill a human. And yet we make this animal look cute and happy and we put it all over our baby stuff. Weird.

Here's a question- how come we stop wearing onsies? Babies get to wear them all the time. They're so awesome! Very practical. Usually one color or one pattern. Easy buttons. No need for pants and a shirt and accesories. No dry cleaning or ironing. Hell, if I could wear them I wouldn't even throw on underwear. I'd buy a onsie for each day of the week. Different color or pattern. Whatever I felt like.

And lastly I have a big problem with this silly little simile: sleeping like a baby.

Sleeping like a baby?!?! So stupid. You could replace 'baby' with rock, burrito, old man and it would be a better figure of speech.

Why would any rational human being want to sleep like a baby? Who wants to go to bed and then wake up crying every 1-2 hours? Who has the urge to eat at 2 a.m. and 5 a.m.? Who in the hell started saying this in the first place?

Well, hopefully I'll be a good dad. No guarantees. It's a lot of work. My wife is a natural. I am not.

Until next time...

Fatherhood...

It's been a while. A long while. I am now officially a father. Hold the applause. Dry your eye. I'm not even really sure what I'm doing but I think I'll get the hang of it. The whole experience, honestly, was incredible. It's something that is impossible to describe unless you have kids yourself. We were admitted into the hospital on a Monday. The birth was Tuesday night. The baby came home Friday night.

Shea Lynn Stafford. Beautiful baby girl. I'm biased but she's the cutest girl in the world!

My wife was incredible. I have a whole new respect for her. And she's even more incredible to me than the day we married.

A six pound human being is really an incredible sight. You can literally hold the baby in one arm. I think I would compare a newborn to a 98 year old man/woman. I guess we come into this world and out of this world the same way: neck is weak so a lot of bobble heading. Poopy pants. No teeth. Wrinkly hands and feet. Lots of whining and complaining. Funny smell. Glassy eyes. Lots of sleeping during the day. Less sleeping at night. Fussy. Grumpy.

So far, so good. I'm sure parenthood will make for some comical moments. For those of you that read I'm sorry it's been a while. I'm trying my best. Until next time...