The Joys of Birth- Hold the Booze

One of my best friends in the world- Kelly Carque- is pregnant. Kelly and I have been very good friends for like 6 years now and one thing I can tell you about Kelly is that she has a great sense of humor and is very blunt. She'll tells like it is. Holds nothing back. She is also a good writer. So, I told her I need a blog about pregnancy. Without further ado I would like to introduce to you my guest blogger, Kelly Carque. Please enjoy...

So, you’re having a baby…..

It seems as if immediately after exchanging vows with Chris, people started with the baby nagging. “So, when are you two going to have kids?” It would typically be followed with “OH, you will just love being pregnant”. After hearing this enough, I started to believe it. I now know that these were all lies. Horrible, cruel lies. Let me tell you the truth about being pregnant….and I can guarantee that “beautiful” is not an adjective that I will be using.

You decide to take a pregnancy test. You pee on a stick, and you wait for the results. After waiting the suggested time limit, the test shows that you are, indeed, knocked up. My immediate thoughts were “Oh #!@&*%. I need a beer”. WRONG. The once cure-all for any shocking news is no longer an option. Saying goodbye to Michelob Ultra, margaritas, and wine was much harder than I thought. I never realized that these were like dear friends of mine in every life situation. Bad news in life? Let’s have a few beers. Good news in life? Let’s have some drinks and celebrate! Long day at work? Wine, please! You find out that you will be birthing a child, and you can’t even share the news with your favorite alcoholic buddies. Bummer.
Ironically, the first month or two, I woke up every morning feeling like I had the worst hangover ever. The only difference is that with a real hangover you have funny stories and great memories to justify the way you feel. Not the same with “morning sickness”. You go to bed at like 7pm, because you can’t keep your eyes open long enough to watch 90210 on the CW, sleep for 10 hours, and wake up feeling terrible. Yeah, you’ll really love being pregnant.

After a few more months, and several doctor appointments, you decide it’s time to share the news with the people in your life. I had been waiting for more of the “oh, I love being pregnant” stories from friends that have already become parents. Wrong again. Now that you ARE pregnant, the “worst case scenario” stories are shared. Women all around me started doing the same thing. They would move closer, lower their voices, and say things like “my sister’s neighbor’s cousin had the worst experience ever – the baby was so big that afterwards she had to have over 300 stitches…. You know, (whispering) down there”. Thanks lady, so happy to have heard that story, along with, “well, you can ask for an epidural, but there’s no guarantee that it will work”. Pair those with the good old fashioned “pooping during delivery” personal narratives, and you’re not exactly eager to give birth.

Next up, you get to deal with the physical changes. Have you ever heard of the “pregnancy mask”? If you’re in the sun – at all – your face will change color. Cool, right? Wrong. Luckily it happens where every woman would want it to – on the upper lip. Nothing screams “sexy” like having a dark brown skin stache. Even better news? It may, or MAY NOT, fade after you give birth. Excellent! To make it even better, you can get it on your cheeks, and on your forehead! I was told “Kelly, you look like you just came from Ash Wednesday”. Wow, thanks for the compliment! I sure feel pretty!! Combine your miscolored face with the weight gain, the swollen feet, cankles, and the general feeling of being uncomfortable. Yup, pregnancy sure is a glamorous thing.

There have been a few things that I have learned throughout the past 8 months. Everyone that has ever had a child seems to offer advice – whether you ask for it or not. I’ve learned to smile, nod my head, and every once in a while throw in a “wow, thanks”. Meanwhile, inside my hypercolored head, I’m thinking, “your youngest child is like 27 years old, I think a few things may have changed!”

Besides becoming the ultimate advice taker, I’ve also learned not to ask Chris about how I look. If you know Chris, you may know that he doesn’t always think before he speaks. He’s been known to put his foot into his mouth a few hundred times. Anyways, you wind up having to buy all new clothes because nothing fits anymore. These maternity clothes aren’t always the most fashionable and you wind up being a little more self-conscious about your ever changing body. I made the mistake of asking Chris how I looked. He replied with “you look like a mom”. WHAT?? I think that may be the last thing that any pregnant woman wants to be told. Tell me that I look great, say that I look skinny, tell me that you can hardly notice the 25lbs that I have put on…. Say ANYTHING besides “you look like a mom”. I only made this mistake one more time. Sadly enough, I’m 8 months pregnant during swimsuit season. If you want to experience something depressing, make sure that you’re humongous during the summer. Anyways, as I unveiled my one piece maternity suit to my ever-loving husband, I made a statement that I felt like a hippopotamus. I made a statement. I wasn’t looking for any feedback or personal opinions. But again, if you know Chris….. he replied to me with, “well, you have better teeth”. Luckily I still had my sense of humor that day.
As far as I’m concerned right now, this will be an only child. You will not see us on TLC as “The Carque’s, sixteen kids and counting”. I can’t imagine saying “Man, I can’t wait to get pregnant again”. Right now I’m focusing on the next 6 weeks flying by, getting the delivery over with, meeting our new baby (who hopefully will not look like a troll), and reuniting with some of my alcohol buddies. Who knows, maybe I’ll even have an attitude adjustment and start telling people how much I loved being pregnant…but, I doubt it. The baby is due August 12th, and the margarita’s are due on the 13th.

L8TRDUD

L8TRDUD

Reality is truly more comical than fiction. Seriously. The real world, including the people that live in it, is a funny place. Just yesterday I could only laugh as I pulled up behind a guy in a beat up red pick up truck with the license plate: L8TRDUD.
Where to start? I’m pretty sure this guy was trying to tell the world- Later Dude. But since you can only have 7 characters on a plate he had to do his best. But what’s so funny is that the simple omission of the letter “E” turns ‘dude’ into ‘dud.’
And unfortunately for this dude or dud the words have very different meanings.

Dude- a cool male, people like this guy, they want to be around him, girls like him, guys want to hang out with him, he has nice hair and cool glasses.

Dud- loser. Nobody wants to be around a dud. He’s flaky and doesn’t come out often. He usually makes $7.50 an hour at your local convenience store.

I could only laugh at L8TRDUD because there is nothing funnier than a person trying to be cool. Being cool- or even liked- for that matter is something you shouldn’t have to work for. It should just come naturally. L8trDUD is just trying way too hard. Poor guy.

And what’s even funnier is that L8TRDUD was driving a 4 cylinder, 17-year-old Nissan pick up truck. If you’re going to say “later dude” to the person behind you shouldn’t you be driving something with a little more horsepower? I mean, ironically, you couldn’t find a slower vehicle to attach this stupid plate. It would be appropriate on a sports car, but it’s a failure on a weak pick up truck. But it did make me laugh and for that I am appreciative of Nevada plate L8TRDUD.

Later dud(e)...

Shhh. Do You Do It?

It’s something that we don’t talk about as adults. It’s a little taboo and perhaps embarrassing. I believe most people do it, some people don’t, some will admit it and others wouldn’t dare. It’s really easy to do, feels warm and nice, and is really a lot more convenient than the alternative. Do you do it? I do sometimes. Did you do it when you were younger and then stopped when you got older? Are you a lifer like me- meaning you always have and always will. Do you admit to it? Is it funny for you? Do you do it because of laziness? Is it gross to you? Do your friends do it?

What am I talking about?!?!?

Peeing in pools. Yeah, you know, when you got to go, but the pool feels delightful and the frozen margaritas are tasting oh so nice, and you really don’t want to get out, towel off, and go inside, so what do you do? Just go. Let her rip. Make hot lemonade. Swim around a little, act casual, don’t let your eyes water, and let it flow. If you’re really good at it you can talk while you’re doing it so your friends will never suspect a thing. Really, no one will know. And I know we’ve all done it before. If I have to pee when I’m actually out of the pool I’ll use the restroom, but if I don’t feel like getting out- and I really have to go- then I’ll let her flow. Hotel pools?--- Always getting pee-peed in. I don’t even know why these places have restrooms. Fortunately there’s probably enough chlorine in them to kill a small horse so I don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, don’t drink the stuff, but if you have to tinkle, it’s OK. Order another drink first and then just go.

So, do you do it in pools? Don’t lie to yourself. Just admit it…

It's Not the End of the World

The other day I was at the gas station and I overheard the attendant- who was ignoring me- say the expression (to the person he was talking to on the phone) we’ve all heard a thousand times- “It’s not the end of the world.” You’ve heard it. I’ve heard it. It’s thrown around so loosely it’s almost comical. At a restaurant when you order something they're out of and the waitress breaks the news to you, your expression might be “It’s not the end of the world.” Or when you get lost while driving and you’re running a little late, “it’s not the end of the world.” You get the idea.

Isn’t this just a stupid expression? Why do we say it? Is there ever a time where’d you’d say it is the end of the world?
In the emergency room when a loved one has just died…is that the appropriate time? I’m sorry Mrs. Lieberman, we’ve lost him, it’s the end of the world. Or would you say it’s not the end of the world to comfort Mrs. Lieberman?


We usually save the expression for things that are trivial or not a big deal or something we shouldn’t get worked up over, but still it doesn’t help.

I mean, what if it was the end of the world? What would people be saying? Would we be hearing people scream “it’s the end of the world!...it’s the end of the world!” Or would people be running around to calm other people down…”it’s NOT the end of the world, relax, it’s not the end of the world.”

I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me, but it’s a peculiar expression. It doesn’t help either. It offers no comfort when it’s stated and quite frankly it makes no sense. So, the next time someone tells you “it’s not the end of the world” you should tell them: Thanks genius, you’re right, it’s probably not the end of the world. So, good call on that, but it’s very annoying that this restaurant is out of the biscuits and gravy special! Or whatever else it is that required the expression it’s not the end of the world.

PayLess Pizza 'n' Ribs- Really?

The other day I had to take my wife to the dentist. Isn’t that always fun. I always feel guilty going to the dentist. I rarely go every six months and I don’t floss every day like I should. I’m sneaky, though, I floss everyday for the two weeks leading up to my appointment. It’s worked so far because in thirty years I’ve never had a cavity. But for some reason every time I get in that chair and wait for Dr. Toothy I always get nervous. I feel like a kid. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s because it brings back memories of when I actually went to the dentist twice a year. Who knows?

My wife’s dentist office isn’t in the best area. When I left the office I noticed one of the funniest named restaurants I have ever seen in my life. This place was called PayLess Pizza ‘n’ Ribs. I am not making this up for comedic dramadic purposes. I am serious, no joke. I mean where do I begin with this?

First off, who decides to sell pizza and ribs together? When ordering a pizza have you ever said to yourself... well, give me some sloppy ribs with that pizza! Probably not. Ribs and pizza? What an interesting combo?

If you were taking a test and the question was: What would you order with Pizza?
The possible answers would be:
a) garden salad b) chicken wings c) chicken fingers d) cheesy breadsticks e) BBQ ribs

What answer would you select? A-D are all acceptable answers. E- hhhmmm, doesn’t quite fit does it?

And if pizza and ribs isn’t odd enough the owner thought naming his joint "PayLess" would just bring them in in droves.

PayLess Shoes- Acceptable. Payless Auto Parts- Acceptable. PayLess Pizza n Ribs- Unacceptable.

By saying “payless” what are you really saying about your product? I’ll tell ya…Our product is OK,mediocre, not top of the line, cheaply made, but hey, you’ll pay a little less than our competition. Just try it.

Well, Is this really what you want to say about your pizza? Or about your ribs? Bargain pizza and ribs. I guess you can’t fault the owner for trying to be unique. He was thinking… hey, there aren’t too many shops that sell pizza and ribs together and do it at a fair price. Let’s do it!

Well, I’m not sure how this place does, but if you ever want to go just let me know. I’d like my first time to be with one of my Blogollowers…

Thanks for reading…

Your Call

As most of my loyal Blogollowers (if you’re reading this you are a Blogollower- I just made it up ☺) know I don’t write too many serious blogs. I mean my main objective is to poke fun at people or myself, make light of life, question stupid things I see on TV or in reality, and bring some smiles and laughs to my readers. If you can’t laugh and smile about things then you’re destined to be a depressed person.

With that in mind, here are some things to keep in mind that are important. I guess they are, I don't know, read them if you want. The important things besides laughing (I made this up, if they sound like something copied then maybe I heard it somewhere, but for the most part this is my advice off the top of my square head):

Enjoy your life. Work hard, make money, but keep things in perspective.

Own a Dog. You’ll learn more about loyalty and compassion than you’ll ever know.

It’s OK to disagree with people. It’s OK to disagree with your spouse and/or your friends.

Have quality friends that you can count on. Quality. Not quantity. 1-2 friends is just fine. Be a good friend to others, and you’ll have friends for a lifetime. Facebook friends aren’t always ‘real’ friends. Sorry.

Look people in the eye when you’re talking to them. Listen first before speaking and if someone is dealing with something important try not to interject with a story about yourself that you think might be helpful. Sometimes people just want to be heard. (I'm not always very good at this but I'm learning)

Floss. You’ll feel cleaner. Your call though.

Exercise if you want to. Don’t exercise if you don’t want to. Your call.

Eat what you want, when you want. If you do this in moderation you’ll probably be OK. If you eat a lot of crap, you’ll be overweight. But, it’s Your call.

Do dogs watch TV? And do dogs recognize other dogs on the TV? Yes. And Yes. My dog Molly is proof. I have video/pics to prove it.

Get a physical when you’re in your 30’s.

Cigarettes can kill you. But my Aunt is in her late 60’s and has been smoking 2 packs a day for 50 years. So, yes they can kill you, but this is what the S.G. should be saying….Cigarettes will add to your buzz when you’re drunk. They’ll make your fingers stink. They’ll be pricy as the years go by. They could eventually kill you, but so could a car accident. Good luck with smoking. We wish you the best. Smoking..Your call.

Tan if you feel like making your skin darker. It’s not very good for you and will eventually make you look older. Ladies, if you’re good looking you’ll be good looking pale or tan. If you live in a desert tanning is free for you; you don’t need to pay for it.

Grow a garden. It’s pretty cool when tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers and peaches start growing. Seriously, it’s easy, and will bring you a lot of pleasure. Not sure why, but if you need gardening tips please call me. Or, look it up on the internet. Your call.

Diet Dr. Pepper and Diet Mountain Dew are great drinks with zero calories if you’re trying to cut back on those. But again, Your call.

Read books. You’ll gain knowledge. Amazing.

Tell your spouse, family, and friends you ‘love them’ and don’t be afraid to give hugs. Don’t be a hard ass when it comes to those things. Not worth it.

Encourage young people to work hard, we live in a society of lazy people. Youngins need the encouragement.

Go a day w/o your cell phone. It will really show you the power of dependency on a 4X1 inch piece of plastic. It’s scary. I’ve done it before but it was because my phone got wet. I was ashamed of myself but that leads me to…
Accept your faults, learn from them, move on.

Don’t get married before 25. Statistics aren’t in your favor.

Write a letter to a stranger. If they write back, then good for you, it’ll be something in the mail that’s not a bill.

If you want to keep your grass green water it. Aerate it once a year. Fertilize 4 times a year. Mow when necessary.

Respect old people. They’ve earned it.

Compromising is better than fighting.

Pray. Talk to God. He listens.

Own your vehicles outright. If you can avoid having a car payment then don’t have one! On average Americans only keep their cars for 3.8 years while financing them for 5.5 years. Translation: we always have a car payment. Car payments will keep you broke. Avoid them.

Don’t be too critical of people. Forgive. Be confident. But be humble, forgive if you feel it’s deserved, and be critical when it can help someone.

If you’re comfortable wearing jogging pants, then wear them! Just remember though, you live in a world with a lot of other people, so dress how you want to be perceived. And unfortunately, there’s nothing cool about jogging pants.
(And very rarely will you see a successful C.E.O., president, manager, etc. with a lip ring or African earlobes or neck tattoos, so remember that)

Don’t be impressed or disappointed with your weather man. He’s basically telling you the history of the weather on a specific day based on data collected on that day in that region for the last 200 years or whatever. So, if there’s a 70% chance of rain on September 17th, 2011 then it’s probably because on the history of Sept. 17th’s it’s rained on that day 70% of the time. It’s not rocket science.

Most doctors are well-educated guessers. How many times have you gone to the doctor and the doc says.. “um, well, it could be a few things…” Well, you’d think he’d be able to narrow it down for the 150 bucks an hour he’s getting. Just keep that in mind the next time you’re at the doctor. They try their best.

Drink lots of water. Keeps the skin nice. And clears out the ‘ol system.

A high percentage of women who commit suicide have had breast augmentation. Sad, but it's true. Be happy with what ya got. Or enhance. Your call.

Don’t pay someone to do something you can do yourself.

Don’t ask someone to do something you wouldn’t do for them.

Be unique.

Change can be good.

Stereotypes are often true.

Smile. Cry. Yell sometimes. Love. Be happy. Say hello, say goodnight.

Your Call...

I'll take "Things I HATE to Buy" for $800, Alex...

Before my Blog today- quick recommendation… go see The Story in Their Eyes. It’s an excellent film! Really, a masterpiece. One of the best movies I’ve seen in a long time. It’s still in theaters but will be tough to find. You may have to wait for the DVD. It won Best Foreign Film (Argentina) at the Oscars in 2009.

Ok, today’s Blog is…

Things I Hate to Buy:

Toilet Paper- buying the stuff you use to wipe your butt. Seriously, it’s a necessity but it sucks. How much money in a lifetime do we spend on this stuff? It gives us nothing in return accept the fact, well, we HAVE to use the stuff! It’s not exactly cheap either.

Hangers- with all the clothes we buy and all the clothes we have you’d think we’d have enough hangers to hang stuff. But, no, every once in a while I find myself having to buy these stupid things. If you’re tight with your dry cleaner- I’m not because mine is an Asian lady I can’t understand- then you probably don’t have to purchase hangers. But since I don’t know Asian-lady-broken-English I have to buy hangers myself.

Lemons- I don’t eat lemons. Do you? But sometimes you need them for cooking, or for Tea, or for alcoholic drinks. But really, it sucks buying them. They serve no nutritional value and I often find myself buying 3 too many…which would be 4 lemons.

Paper Towels- see my comments on toilet paper. Got to have paper towels. But really, you don’t. They’re a waste. Even more of a waste, actually, than toilet paper.

Light Bulbs- yes, I know we need them, but again it’s one of those things I hate spending money on. I now buy those Fluorescent Light Bulbs because they last longer, but still, hate buying them.

Detergent- to keep my clothes clean. Whatever.

Toothpaste- to keep my mouth clean. Whatever.

Batteries- to keep me lazy so my TV remote works. What a pain when your remote goes out and you have no batteries. What a downer! Has that ever happened to you? I’d pay 300 bucks on the spot to not have to get off the couch and go to the store.

Dog Food- Can’t they just eat what’s in the fridge? Nope, they need their own food so they don’t have runny poopies.

Garbage Bags- whatever happened to burning our trash? Need em, but hate buying em.

Water- the Earth is 67% water and yet we buy like 6 billions dollars worth of bottled water a year! Not me. My hose works. I don’t buy bottled water. Well, I used to but not anymore. I got tired of buying it. It made no sense to me. The only bottles I buy now are ones with beer in them.

Home Phones- ask my wife about this. Please just ask her. That's a blog in itself.

Ice- yes, frozen water. But sometimes we got to have it so we spend 2 bucks on a 7 pound bag of this stuff. What a rip off!



There’s plenty of other things I don’t like buying but hey, what can you do. That’s life.

What don't you like buying?

Caballeros

The other night I went out with my brother to a Mexican Restaurant. His girlfriend works at the bar so we had some drinks. All in all it was a swell time. As a few drinks became a few more drinks I had to do my business. My bladder is not one of my strong suits. It’s small and must be emptied frequently. It’s a pain in the butt, but what can you do?

So I go make my way to the bathroom. It’s a darker restaurant, which I like, but I had a tough time finding the little boys room. Also keep in mind I had a few brews too. As with many establishments out there, the theme of the restaurant has to be 100% loyal to the particular theme. I cannot stand this.

So, in this case- Mexican. So, the owners really want you to feel like your in Mexico, as if labeling the restroom in Spanish will somehow make me forget that I’m on the Las Vegas Strip. Hey, whatever. I mean really if they wanted to make it authentic they should never clean the restroom and let people piss in holes in the dirt covered ground. And they should have a little girl sell you Chicklets gum when you leave the bathroom. Then I might think I’m in Tijuana, Mexico. Right?

And another thing- have you ever gone to a restaurant- or NOT gone to a restaurant- because of how their bathrooms are labeled? Yeah, didn’t think so…

I mean can WE not call the bathroom, well, THE BATHROOM. And we can’t possibly label them men’s and women’s. Again, I hate this. I really do. Twice in my life, because of this, I have entered the wrong bathroom. It’s not my fault. Sorry, I didn’t know ‘Caballeros’ mean’s this is where I have to go pee pee since I’m a boy.

Why can’t we just leave the bathroom’s alone? Just Men’s/Women’s or Gentleman/Ladies or even Penis/Vagina will suffice. Really it’s quite annoying.

Do you know what ‘toilette degli uomini’ means? I do. And do you know why? Because when I had to use the bathroom at a Macroni Grill I learned it means Men’s Restroom. This annoying establishment takes it to a whole new level. They teach you Italian while you’re doing your business. Now that’s just insulting, isn’t it?!

Not a disease....

I've touched on this subject before but I'll do it again because last night I saw another show about an abnormally huge person. Fat doesn't even cover it. You ever see those shows where there’s a man- or woman- who is so large, so obese, they can’t leave their bed? Like the “1200 pound man” or “800 pound woman” or something along those lines. It’s sad really. These people haven’t just merely put on a little holiday weight, or had a bad year, or don’t like exercise. Basically these people have just done nothing but eat, eat, eat for a number of years, years, years. I feel bad for them but what I can’t stand is that these so-called experts call it a disease. Obesity is NOT a disease. Eating food is not something that you become addicted to. I don’t buy it. It’s an excuse. Just like calling alcoholism a disease. It’s not. I’m sorry, but it’s a choice. Your body doesn’t need 12000 calories in a day. Your body doesn’t need to eat an 11-egg omelet, a pound of bacon, and a half loaf of toast in the morning. Calling “being fat” a disease is just an excuse. I hope that all obese people get help, get healthy, and lose the weight but let’s stop calling it a disease, please!

It Mattered

I wrote this piece like 10 months ago. It was something I wrote for my grandfather. He passed away when I was only 5 so I don't remember him all that well. I like to think my grandpa Norm was a pretty awesome guy because he taught my father about life, work ethic, discipline, etc. I think the world of my dad and I'm pretty sure my grandpa had a lot to do with that...

But today I'm posting this piece in honor of my wife's grandfather (my grandfather too) Leslie William Collins. Although I only met "papaw" a couple of times, I am very fortunate to have met him. He was an incredible person that lived an incredible life. His life counted because he made a difference, gave back to his community, and truly knew the importance of family. He was a part of his community and was married to the love of is life for 70+ years. His legacy is in his children, his grandchildren, and the hundreds of people's lives he touched.

Is there anything else you can ask for in a lifetime?

He was the definition of what a good man is and he proved it everyday of his life.

Although I didn't know him well, I will always remember him through his daughter Annelle, her husband Ted, and their beautiful daughter Erin, my wife.

In honor of Leslie Collins, Here's the piece...

Last winter I was walking when I saw an old man sitting on a bench. He was weathered, and he looked a little beaten down by life. His clothes had seen many years. His eyes were sad and his hands looked as if he worked a laborer’s life. He looked lonely. I don’t exactly know what it was but something inside me told me to stop. So I did. I sat next to the man and looked at him. He looked familiar- that feeling you get that you’ve met this person before but can’t quite place it. He then looked at me. I tried to say hello but nothing seemed to come out. So I sat there; we sat there.

Silence. And then:

“It’s cold out here, isn’t it?” he said to me with what I can only assume was his best smile.

“Yes, it is, but you don’t seem cold, sir” I said.

“I’m not. I’m happy, I’m content. I've lived a very long time and I’ve seen colder days. I’m glad you chose to walk by this bench today. And I think it was important that you stopped.”

I didn’t want to be rude, so I decided to continue my conversation with this man. Although I thought he was a little peculiar, something told me to stay a little longer.

“I have lived a long time. I am old and I envy your youth, but my life was well spent. I married. I had kids. And my kids’ had kids. I provided for my family. I laughed. I danced. I cried. I witnessed death and witnessed life. I saw seasons come and seasons go. I am old now, but I am happy. My life mattered,” he said.

“That’s good,” I said, but I knew he had more to say.

“I hope that when you are my age you can sit on a bench and say your life mattered, because that’s all that really matters. And I hope that you make a difference in someone’s life. I hope that people remember you when you’re gone. And I hope they talk about you often. That’s what counts. Because when you become my age the materialistic goals you work so hard for will no longer matter.”

“I hope so too, sir,” I said awkwardly. “I hope I can make a difference and I hope people remember me. I want to live a life that matters.”

“Son, you are living a life that matters. You stopped to talk to me, didn’t you?” said the old man.

“Yes, but--” I said.

He continued, “You didn’t have to stop. You could have run right past me, but you didn’t. You stopped and you talked to this old man on this bench on a cold winter day. And that has made all the difference in the world. You stopped because your heart is big and you knew that you should stop. Something told you to stop.”

And then this old man, weathered by life, with the tattered clothes, and the familiar eyes said something I will never forget.

He said, “If you hadn’t stopped then we wouldn’t have gotten the chance to talk today. You don’t remember me, but I remember you. I held you when you were young and there were a lot of things I never got to tell you. We never got the chance to talk like we are talking now. But today you stopped, and that mattered, because now I can say this…

Hello, Derek. My name is Norman. Norman Stafford. I am your grandfather. It’s nice to meet you.”

Keep it down. I'm old...

You know you’re getting old when you find yourself complaining about loud music, BUT recently I think I had reason! I was at the outlet mall last week and my wife decided to go into the Guess Clothing/Accessory store. I went on my way and told her to just meet me later. Believe it or not, this cool guy doesn't wear Guess. I walked around for like 15 minutes and ran into a guy selling sea salt crap that you’re supposed to rub on your hands and it makes your hands feel like butter or something. The guy called it “magic” like 6 times during his spiel on me. I should have never stopped. But I did and…

I was thinking to myself: my hands feel the same. I mean I guess they're a little smoother and they feel nice and all but I wouldn’t say magic. If I grew an extra thumb or was able to shoot lasers or spider webs out of my fingertips then, yes, I could agree with this French guy’s claim that this salt makes ‘magic’ out of my hands. When Pierre told me this salt crap cost 60 bucks for like a 2 ounce bottle I made my own magic and disappeared from his little kiosk. See ya!

Ok, back to my ‘loud music’ comment. I really like music. I do. And there are times I like my music loud. I do. But, you know, I’m not a huge fan of blasting loud techno music when I’m looking for jeans. I wasn’t in the market for jeans that day. Actually, come to think of it, I don't really ever buy clothes.
I really only went back to the Guess store because my wife was still in there and I was bored. I was done with French Salt Lick guy and I needed to track my wife down so our trip to the outlet wouldn’t last for 6 hours. I go into the store and I almost went deaf! They had speakers set up everywhere and employees were doing weird dances and I couldn’t even hear myself think. I don’t know why or how anyone could get anything done in that store. I think an employee asked me if I needed help but since I couldn’t hear- and I don’t know sign language- I just shrugged and yelled as loud as I could: I’m OK, JUST LOOKING AROUND! Seriously, I had to yell this. The poor 17 year old girl probably thought I was an idiot.
I wonder how the staff even communicates with one another...
Boss: Janet can you come in tomorrow at 8?
Employee: No, I don’t want to go on a date!
Employee A: Hey, help me fold those jeans.
Employee B: Yeah, Terry really is mean.

After I got out of the store it felt like I had just left a White Stripes concert. It was awful. A terrible experience. I asked my wife about it since her degree is in marketing and she said loud music attracts a younger crowd and reminds buyers of being in a club.

Well, I guess that makes sense. And let's be honest, I’m not really Guess’s target customer when they’re thinking of ideas to sell their products.

Hmmm, maybe one day Guess will make a really nice pair of jogging pants and a sharp looking line of cotton cut-off shirts. Then, I’ll grab my ear plugs and come rushing back to their store. Probably not…