Mac Wrap

Wow, what a boring weekend of playoff football. I can't remember ever seeing such boring games throughout the playoffs. With the exception of last week's GB v. Arizona game this year's NFL playoffs have been awful. No excitement, no overtimes, no fun! Oh well, what can you do? I like the Colts vs. Saints in the Super Bowl but don't bet on that. I went 1-3 this weekend in my own bets. I suck.

My buddy Mike texted me today and asked me if I had come across the new McDonald's commercials advertising this new Mac Wrap. Only a buck and some change! Hurry! I told him, yes, of course I've seen the ads because I'm not blind and deaf and they run at nauseum every hour of the day. I wonder how much McD's spends in ads per year? If it was in the billions it wouldn't surprise me. And with the thousands of commercials that McD's runs per year I can't ever remember liking one, thinking one was funny, or seeing their food and thinking how delicious it is, because it isn't. It's terrible. McDonald's ad dollars don't work on me. They might as well take the money allotted for me and give it to Budweiser because the only time McDonald's sounds good to me is when I'm drunk from too many Bud Lights. I mean really the only thing you are guaranteed of in a McDonald's commercial is that there will be one black person, one hispanic, an asian, a corny white kid and half of them will be females. And everyone in the commercial is skinny and when they're eating the food it looks like they're eating little pieces of heaven. Makes you sick, huh? McD's doesn't dare offend any race, religion or sex. Oh no!

Just one time I wish they would put 'actual' customers in their spots. That would be so awesome! I mean, you wouldn't want to see a 300+ pound lady eating a 10 piece nugget for an appetizer, then having a double QPer with a side of fries for her entree, while washing it down with 40 ounces of Coke? That wouldn't make you hungry?!

Well their new baby is the Mac Wrap. The genius gourmet chefs at McD's are insulting Americans by saying, "Hey, you guys are dumb! We're going to take the ingredients of a Big Mac, dice it up a bit, and replace the bun with a tortilla. We're going to call it healthy, delicious, and most importantly- a wrap! We're going to price it under 2 bucks and everyone who eats this fast food miracle will be so happy! And since we've called it a wrap we firmly believe that you, the stupid consumer, will think it's healthy. Now, never mind the burger patty in it is loaded in sodium and grease. Never mind the yellow Mac sauce that's in it is probably about 400 calories. Just remember- It's a 'wrap'. It's very good. And cheap. Eat it!" I wonder if they're catering to health nuts or mexican people? Or maybe McD's is catering to both and that's the genius behind this stupid food creation?

In any case, I'm still hoping Mickey D's will bring back the McPizza. They had it when I was a kid and it was delicious. It was like a 5" pizza. And like with all McD's food they added a "Mc" to it and voila! it's a McPizza. Anyhoo, it was good.

Until then, I'll have to be thankful that the McRib is back. Hopefully, it's here to stay. It's pretty good.

I'm lovin' it.....

Medium Ice Cream, Please....

The other day I was at a Cold Stone. That's an ice cream place not a wonder of the world (although my wife may consider it a wonder of the world). They take two spachelas and mooosh up your ice cream and choice of toppings on a 'cold stone' and over charge you for it. Creative, I guess. But, just like everything in our society, we can't just call this place what it is.... an Ice Cream Shop.

Anyway, I ordered a shake and the kid that took my order asked me what size. Instead of saying.. "small, medium or large" he pointed behind his shoulder (looking almost ahamed of himself) to a red and brown sign that was supposed to be my choices of sizes. Dear Lord, here we go again with this nonsense of having these dumb ass names for things. Instead of Small it was "like it" and instead of Medium it was "Love it" and instead of Large I believe it was "Gotta have it!" Now, I refuse to order like that. Never in a million years should any self-respecting male ever say: "um, yes, may I please have a Gotta Have It Chocolate Sundae and a Love It Strawberry Shake. Thank you." I mean you might as well hand over your manhood while you're there and grab an apron and jump behind the counter and start your career at CS.

Until the day I die I will never order a 'King Size' fries or a 'Venti' coffee and you won't hear me say 'Super Big Gulp' either because it's a large cup of Coke (I say "coke" for soda- sue me). I actually think it offends peope at Starbucks when you say "I'll have a large, black coffee". I mean they almost seem offended and put out by that normal people jargon. Try it next time you're at Starbucks. Order a medium coffee with cream and I'll bet you the house they don't yell "medium coffee with cream" to the kid in the back making the coffee....

South of the Border

Have you seen the new Taco Bell commercial? I'm sure you have because like most national spots for big companies it gets played at nauseum like a ka-billion times and it's hard to miss unless you're Amish and don't have a TV.

For example, how annoying are those Free Credit Report commercials? You know, the ones where that shaggy-haired moron is singing how his credit is whack and then free credit report. com helped him or whatever. So bad.

Anyway, the new Taco Bell (TB) commercial I'm talking about is where that mid 30 year old guy comes into a TB and requests to see the girl he ordered this amazing 89 cent cheesy, beefy, glorious burrito the other day. We're supposed to believe that he believes she gave this douche bag the deal and no one else knows about it. Like he got the hook up. Dynamite advertising Taco Bell! I'm sure that will make the top 10 best commercial list of all-time.

Anyway, the thing that makes me laugh- and my wife even noticed this- is have you seen this chick (and the chick in the background) that supposedly works at this Taco Bell? She's beautiful. And so is the girl in the background. I've never in a million years been to a TB and seen the counter girls look like this. Usually, it's, well, let's be honest, an overweight pimply-faced teenage boy. Or the tattooed up, I just got out of the penitentary, this is my first job, I hate my life, ex-convict. Or the 58 year old Indian woman who can't speak a lick of English but keeps smiling at you so you don't get mad at her and throw your Nachos Bell Grande at her. Never have I gone to TB and spent 6 dollars on 8,000 calories of cheese and garbage and given my money to a girl that could have starred in The O.C.

So, next time I want TB and their execs to get an actor that really catches the spirit of a TB employee. I want the actor to be at least 30-40 years of age and really look the part of someone who: really wishes they finished high school, or made better life choices, or employed a work ethic earlier in life, or didn't committ a crime, etc. Basically someone who hates the fact that they're working at a Taco Bell, because that's a TB employee!

Pain Scale

Well, Saturday evening was an interesting night. I got bit on the lip by my buddy's dog. 2 hours in the emergency room and 5 stitches in my lip and I was on my home at 2:00. No Del Taco for me :( I don't have any ill-will towards the dog but this definitely doesn't help our relationship. KC (female mastiff) is an aggressive dog as it is so I shouldn't have gotten too close. She will not have any milk bones in her stocking from Santa in 2010.

When the doctor saw me at 1 a.m. I was pretty bloody and had an ice pack on my lip. He asked me the most asinine question I've ever heard: On a scale from 1-10 what is your pain level? Is this not the stupidest question ever? I mean, really, what do you say to that?

I said well, uh, 6.5. I mean, again, what the heck do you say to that? If you say I'm a '10' does that mean you're near death and they call a priest? If you say '2' does the doctor say, "Really? Well, why are you in here then? Here's an asprin now go on home an don't waste our time, jerk!" If you say you're a 4 do they say "well, go go home and come back when it gets to around 7, because that's not enough pain to treat you."

So, I thought about it, and said "6, no no, 6.5. I'm a solid 6, doc. Now stick a needle in my lip and numb me up and put some stitches in my mouth so I can put an end to this stupid night." Actually, I didn't say that but I felt like it. He gave me medication and told me to make sure I eat with the medication. I took the medication in the morning, but the problem is that I can't eat much because it takes 42 minutes to eat a slice of bread. So I ate the bread, and then took the pills. Well, they made me nauseous as all hell and so began my 6 hours of throwing up. Not fun. Oh well. It made for an interesting night.

Really?

I just saw an article on this new ride that's going up on the Stratosphere Hotel. Basically, you do a free fall off the top of the Stratosphere. You fall 900 feet and the only thing keeping you from splatting all over the cement is a medal cable. Uh, no thanks! And for all this fun you have to spend 100 bucks. Again, no thanks.

I was also thinking... how much is the 18 year old kid in charge of safely strapping you to the cable getting paid? My guess- like 9.50 an hour. So, if you'd like to spend 100 dollars to put your life in the hands of a teenage kid making 9.50 an hour then this ride is for you! It opens in April. I won't see you there....

PC

The other day I was driving and I heard an advertisement on the radio. It was an AM station. I pretty much listen only to talk radio nowadays. It means I'm getting old. I don't know. I haven't had an FM station on in my car in a couple years. Anyway, I heard a spot for a car dealership and the guy said something along the lines of, "come look at our huge inventory of 'pre-owned' cars." It made me laugh. We live in such a world that we can't call things what they are. USED car in this case. By somehow calling it a 'pre-owned' car does that make it better, or soften the blow that the car sucks?

Our society has become so politically correct and so soft that it really makes me laugh. Since I'm in education, here's one that makes me tickle- GUEST Teacher. For those of you wondering what that is, it's a friggin Substitute Teacher! Or, to call it what it really is, a sub! By somewhow calling a sub a "guest teacher" I guess kids are supposed to honor and respect that teacher more. It's so absurd.

I also heard this one the other day- learning difference. Instead of learning disability, teachers are now saying that "so and so" has a learning difference. Funny, isn't it? I don't know when it was that Americans got so offended by specific terms. Nobody wants to hurt anyobody's feelings these days. America as a whole is getting soft. So next time instead of calling people fat I think i'm going to say "exercise disabled" or "gym deficient". Hey, why not?

Denver

Well, I went to Denver this past week. It was great. I love everything about Denver, except for one thing- the Denver Broncos. They basically screwed me out of winning about 600 dollars. Oh well, that's life. Denver was cold, but I loved every minute of it. We got to hang out with Erin's good friend Laura and her cool husband, Shane. We also got to meet their kids- two adorable little girls. Angels! It was a lovely trip to bring in the New Year. Of the few strangers I talked to and told that I was from Las Vegas all of them asked me why I was in Denver for NYE when I could be in Vegas. Well, like I told them, the Strip for New Year's is an experience. But I've done it plenty of times and Denver was just as fun. I also heard Metro PD nailed 82 people for reasons related to drinking. So, I'm glad I avoided that. Erin and I talked a lot about moving away from Las Vegas. The more and more I think about it- and weigh the options- the more I think I could live somewhere else. I always stick up for Vegas, and I enjoy my life out here, but I think I could enjoy living somewhere else. The thing I enjoy so much about Denver is the different seasons. Vegas doesn't have that. It's basically hot as hell for 6 months, and then pretty chilly for 6 months. No snow, no rain. Not a bad climate, but a change would be nice.