P-Tart Fix!!!

Have you ever had a Pop Tart? Maybe it's been a few years or maybe it was a lifetime ago when you had one. Or maybe you're like me and never really cared for them. I'm more of a toaster strudel guy myself...

I sell these things (Pop Tarts- PT) in my classroom to raise funds for my baseball program. Honestly, I can't stomach them. Never have liked them. They're like crackers with guey processed preserves in them. Luckily I sell water too because when you eat a PT your mouth becomes an instant desert. They are awful. I've tried them toasted too- doesn't help.

I sell them for a buck and kids from all over the school know this. Hell, I even think kids that have graduated already and kids from different schools know I sell them. Before every class period they come from miles away for their PT fix. You'd think I was selling a hardcore narcotic. Some kids look like they have a serious addicition.... "I need a Pop Tart Mr. S!"... "Feed Me!"... "I'm starvin'!"... "You got the Tarts?!"...."I need a strawberry, I need a brown sugar!"... "Get me a PT ASAP!"....

Some kids don't even specify the flavor they want- I have a few. They just come in the room, throw the money on the desk, and I know what they want. Some buy 3-4 at a time. Some buy a PT, a fruity snacks (I have other addictions they want), a couple granola bars and a water. Some spend 4-5 bucks a day. Others fight, cheat and steal for the money. Some pay in quarters, dimes and nickels. Some pay with a credit card. No checks here. And never, NEVER, an IOU. This ain't no charity.

So if you need a gross, dry pastry that was invented by Kellog's in the late 1960s then just come to room 728 and I'll take care of that PT fix for ya'. Pop Tarts! Get your pop tarts!

Seattle!

So, I was in Seattle this past weekend. But before that- a shout out to Dana! The beautiful Dana turns 30 this week. Wednesday she hits the big 3-0! And she's still sexy. Drink a Tilt, Dana. Congrats! And a yippee yahooooo to Kelly Carque and her unborn baby. Kelly’s looking delicious ☺ Keep eatin’ those bomb pops!

I went up to the glorious Pacific NW with my little brother Sean and his girlfriend Kayla. They’re a blast and we had a great time. Seattle as a whole was amazing. It lived up to the hype! Kelly and my wife told me all about Seattle and said how awesome it is. And I’ve always heard that this place was right up D’s alley. Oh, it was… This place is famous for coffee, beer, music and fish. Well, considering those are 4 of my favorite things on Earth, this was a great trip. I drank lots of beers from several breweries. The local beer “Manny’s” was my absolute favorite. And I had coffee every morning. I ate Clams and Mussels at a place called “Cutters” and they were to die for! I walked up to that big needle “stratosphere look-a-like” thingy and decided paying 20 dollars to go up wasn’t worth it so I left with a picture. It's ugly.

I absolutely loved the Public Market. It was MY favorite part of the trip. Hundreds of people selling crap no one will ever need for prices that should be illegal... There was an Asian guy selling knives made out of fossils or bones or dinosaur crap for like 100-200 bucks each. There was an obese lady selling beaded necklaces with inspirational quotes like “believe” for way too much money. There was a middle-aged woman who probably took me for way too much cash when she sold me a sterling silver necklace made by her husband in their backyard. Who knows? I bought it and my wife loved it! There was harry, homeless looking people playing music. There were people dancing. People smiling. People taking pictures, people painting. Kids crying, the smell of fish in the air everywhere, coffee brewing, duck tours rollin around, and all sorts of fun. It kind of reminded me of one of those 1970s Coke commercials.

We were able to catch a Seattle Mariners game and that was fun because as bad as the Mariners are, they actually won the game. They are a sad team. I understand now why the Supersonics left town.

It rained all 3 days I was there- loved that! The people were nice, even the homeless people. I met a lady who admitted to me she had a crack habit and that she was going to move to Las Vegas as soon as her parole was up. Not making that up. That was a fun conversation.

Well, the summer is almost here, so I will have more time to blog. Until the next one, thanks for reading girls- and boys.

Code Red! The convicts have escaped...

Ok, it’s Sunday. Lazy day. Sabbath. Lifetime TV. Little wine. Relaxation.

Nope. My wife had to work today. She had to work yesterday. So basically, she doesn’t get a day off this week. My fault- I got her the jobs(s). I need my woman to work! So, today I’m relaxing and watching a very bad Lifetime movie about a man and a woman and an affair and handcuffs. It was bad. But I was hooked!
Erin calls me on the phone and tells me that our neighbor across the street has carpet rolls on her curb. I played off the conversation like it was no thang but really I was excited. All I could think about was an entire garage of carpet. I’d never have to wear shoes in the house ever again! Awesome. So, I got off the phone, ran out the front door, and decided to grab some carpet treasure. I got me a couple rolls and deviously ran back into my home.
I got back on the couch, caught my breath, and took a sip of my Merlot. Victory! Free carpet. Get off my shit. Well, that didn’t last long. As soon as comfort set in, hell broke loose. The wind blew my front door wide open, which reminded my dumb ass that I never shut it completely. I feebly yelled, “Murdy, Molly!” and then panic set in. They were gone. I jumped off the couch like the crack of a pistol and ran out the door. The dogs were gone. You’d think these two were on death row. Murdock and Molly would not be caught. They were off to freedom! I ran around the block and saw the neighbors outside pointing west… “Go west son, the dogs are heading west!” West my ass, I got in the Dodge and started driving. Meanwhile, I got Erin on the phone and gave it the usual- ‘The dogs got out! The dogs got out!” Which really means- "Sh!t! I’m an idiot. I left the door open, the dogs got out, help me..."

So to wrap it up- we got em! I really don’t get it. Our dogs are pampered. They are treated like royalty. And the minute the front door shows daylight they head for the hills. No love, no loyalty. You’d think we starve them and beat them the way they run out on us. Whatever, we don’t need this grief. Next time they run for the hills I’m staying right on the couch.

I'm tired.

Dana's on the Tilt!

Dana- This blog is all yours…. Ok, lots of random things that happened recently in my life. I bought a motorcycle. My friend has one too. We started a Motorcycle Club. The club is called the Nevada A&M Motorcycle Club. You should join. We invited people on facebook to join the club. We even have shirts. We now have 9 members in our club. The funny part is that the 2 guys with bikes aren’t even on facebook. So I am now part of a motorcycle club that has 9 members, only 2 bikes, 4 yellow shirts, and we have never officially met. So cool. Who wouldn't want to join? Next...

3 days ago I caught 2 high school kids having sex behind my baseball field. I wish I could say it was romantic to see love blossoming like that but it wasn’t. It was on cement and there was nothing cool about it. Gross. I caught these two very-overweight pimple-faced hornballs right before they we’re going to go at it. They were two very large kids. Again, gross. The male had his pants down and was on top of the female. I asked them what the hell they were doing and their response was "uh, uh, uh we're at lunch..." I was flabbergasted. This is not a fake story but it is funny. If you’re reading this and want more info just call me. Next…

Well, about a week ago I got a life insurance policy. I have one already but this is another one. So now I have two. My wife will be just fine if I die. Ok, when you get one of these things they send a nurse out to you and run some tests. They weigh you, measure your waist and chest and height, take your blood pressure and ask you questions (Do you smoke? Is your dad and mom still alive? Do you like cheese?—stuff like that). They also make you pee in a cup and they take your blood. I was prepared for this, so when Carlos (my nurse that came out) came to my classroom during my lunch period, I began inquiring about the tests and why they take pee and blood. He could tell I had done this before and he could tell that I was cool. He told me that my chest was much bigger than my belly so I’m in good shape. I thought that was weird, but hey, pretty cool. Well, when I asked him about the blood/urine work and why they take it, he looked at me and he said: “honestly, the only thing they test for is to see if you have any coke or heroin or major drugs in your system. And they run your blood to see if you have AIDS.” I was like, “oh sweet, thanks for telling me, I’m sure I’ll qualify then for my 200,000 dollar policy then being as I don't have HIV and I'm fresh out of coke and heroin. "Thanks Carlos, happy Martes! See ya’ later Senor!” Next...

I've been getting a lot of random emails from Cole. At first I was so happy because Cole has never emailed me before so I was pretty excited to open his email. To my dismay Cole didn't want to say hi and catch up. It was a fake damn it! The email had a link that sent me to a pharmaceutical company. I was pretty sure Cole didn't take a new job with Advil or Bayer so I had to call him and tell him that he had been hacked. It also happened recently to like 4 other people I know, so I knew it was a fake email. Next and lastly...

One last thing that happened that I thought was funny. James, Reggin Jamez!, texted me the other day about something he did. It was impressive and hilarious all in one. I guess James emailed the Buffalo Bills front office about Graham Harrell (the kid that played QB for Tex Tech a couple years back- he was a stud). Anyway, he said something along the lines of:
Hello- I may be a little bias (I’m a TT alumn) but I think your organization should take a look at QB Graham Harrell because he is still available to pick up as he did not get drafted and your team could use him.

Well, lo and behold, Reggin James got an email back right away. The guy in charge of operations for the Bills thanked him for the advice and asked him if he could send some video of Harrell playing.
I’m not sure if that’s cool or pathetic on the Bills end of things but I thought it was hilarious that they actually emailed a random guy from Texas back.

Ok, Dana, sorry it's been so long. Baseball season is wrapping up soon and I'll blog my face off for you! Love you. Friends do this...

American Food...

How come whenever it is you ask someone what their favorite food is the last response (if you've ever even got the response) is American Food. If you ask someone, "Hey, what's your favorite food?" They'll say... "Oh, I love Mexican food, or Chinese, or Italian food." You'll very rarely-if ever- hear someone say "I love American food! Hell yeah! Get me burgers, dogs, pizza (don't tell me it's italian because it's not anymore), wings, and a milkshake to wash it down. Hallelujah for American food!" Yeah, you'll never hear that.

I wonder if you were in Italy and were to ask a local what their favorite food is, what the response would be.

(My broken italian)- "Mi scusci locale, uh, what's your favorite mangiare?" Italian guy- "American food e il mio preferito ! Now, go to the McDonald's on Linguini Ave. and get the McRib. It's to die for. You'll love it! L'amore si!!!

So, yeah, I wonder why American food isn't more often given as an answer to the 'ol favorite food question. Burgers, Steaks, Wings, BBQ, fries, pizza, hot dogs are all american food really. And they all are unhealthy, but that's another blog. Obviously, Americans love these things because there's a kabillion places that serve these items. Yet, nobody wants to admit that American Food is their favorite OR they're not sure what someone might say if the response is- "American food is my favorite!"

My favorite? Chinese/Asian food.


Not Panda.

Expressions

Why do people(strangers) say "How are you?" when honestly, they don't really care? I do it too. And I know you do it as well. We all do it. We always say it. "How are you?" "How are you today?" Are you really interested? Is anyone really interested?

And why do people say "be safe"? How do you 'be safe" exactly? I mean, don't we always try to 'be safe' and when people (or your mom when you were a kid) say 'be safe' do we really conciously go "oh, ok, i'm going to be safe because they said so this time. Normally I'm not safe. But since that lady said 'be safe' I'll be safe just this time."

And what does " good night" mean exactly? Does that mean "hey man, brush your teeth, sleep well and I hope you wake up tomorrow morning"? Is that a good night? Or do you have to have a really sweet dream to have a 'good night'?

Interesting how many expressions that we use on a daily basis that are, quite frankly, ridiculous. I love the "I don't know" excuse we all use when we don't have a reason as to why we did or didn't do something. Instead of having a reason we resort to "I don't know..."

My wife- "Derek, why didn't you take out the trash?" My response: "I don't know."

Response I should give: "I didn't want to because I'm lazy, tired and walking 15 feet to take the trash out really wasn't on my agenda at the exact moment that you asked me to take the trash out."

My wife- "Why are you being sarcastic?" Me- "I don't know."

The Mullet and Bumper Stickers

Well, I know it’s been a while since I last posted. I never started my blog with the intention of writing one every day or every week even, but this has been a long stretch and I do apologize to my 8 followers. I’ve been extremely busy. Baseball season, what can I say. This past weekend I went down to Northridge, California to see an old player of mine play a couple games. His team lost but it was great seeing him. He’s very good and it sounds like he’ll get drafted this summer so I’ll be following him.

Ok, everyone knows about the Mullet. I still have it. It’s been 8 days now since I’ve had it. It’s so bad. It gets stares everywhere I go. I even had a guy stop me in a bar and ask to take a picture of it. True story. My wife is a saint for allowing it. She really is, because it’s hideous. There is nothing cool about a mullet. But I’ve always been a confident cat, so it’s all good. If you want pictures just let me know but I’m pretty sure they're out there.

The reason I am blogging today is because I am sick and tired of these cheese ball bumper stickers that are out on the roadway. While we were driving in Liberalville- I mean, California- I noticed a lot of tacky bumper stickers. I don’t get it? This one guy had a bumper sticker that was written in 8 inch font. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t bumper stickers for other drivers to read? You don’t put a sticker on your car so you can read it, do you? I’m pretty sure my wife doesn’t have a Texas A&M sticker to remind her that she spent four years of her life there getting a degree. Erin has never said to me, “Derek, I forget, where did I go to school?”

You put these stickers on your car to show pride for your favorite sports team, or for a cause, or to honor your kid who got a couple A’s and B’s on his report card, or to give others your boss’ number if you’re driving like an ass, or to be funny and make people laugh. Right? The thing is though, if you put a sticker on your car- California guy BM14375- please be sure that we can read it without having to wave you over to the side of the road. The only reason I knew his sticker is because I’ve seen it before and he almost sideswiped us. It read: Yes, this is my truck. No, I won’t help you move. Yes, I know very cheesy.
I told Erin I want to make one for my truck: I’m borrowing this truck, but I will let my friend know you need help moving.

Until next time…