Good for the Skin...

My normal summer routine is waking up at 7:36 in the morning, with the dogs, and letting them out. Actually, I wake up at 7:36 because of the dogs. I could probably sleep until 9ish but Molly won’t have that. No biggy. During the school year I’m up at 5:45 so getting up at 7:36 is really like sleeping in. I digress.

Well, this morning when I let the dogs out I noticed it was a bit humid. I looked up the weather report and the humidity was 12%. This really doesn’t constitute “humid” but for people that live in Vegas this is very moist. People from Houston, Atlanta, and Tampa would laugh at me for saying moist or humid when it's only 12%.

Now I love my wife. She loves me. But whenever I mention that it’s humid outside- followed by “I hate the humidity”- she has the same two responses. "The humidity is good for your hair. The humidity is good for your skin." Wow! Great. Thanks sweetie.

You know what? Keep your humidity! I’d rather be dry and comfortable. I’d rather not have the perpetual feeling of that just got out of the shower feeling. I’d rather not feel like my car is a sauna. I’d rather not be sweating because the trash had to go to the curb. Humidity- and places with high humidity- are no place I want to be for long periods of a time. I’d rather have dry skin and mediocre/bad hair. I’ve been living in a hot, dry climate all my life and you know what? My hair isn’t that bad and the cost of lotion has not caused me any financial distress.

My wife and I were married in Texas. We just so happened to pick a weekend when the humidity was in the 90s. I can’t lie. It was brutal. Things I didn't know: I didn’t know that toenails could produce sweat. I also didn’t know that you could soak through 4 undershirts at a single outdoor event. I didn’t know that your forehead remains shiny even when you’re indoors.
Furthermore, everyone looks like they either just got done running 6 miles or just went through intense child labor. No one looks relaxed, clean and comfortable. No one!

And when you mention this to the locals all they can do is smile and say “I know. Bad, huh?” And my response is “how/why do you live here?!”

I know it can get hot here in the desert (116 degrees), but I’ll take that heat over 90 percent humidity any day of the week. You can keep your moisture and the bugs that comes with it. I’ll keep my dry heat. Thank you very much.

Have a sweaty day...

We Won!

I love sports. Love them. Like millions of Americans I passionately follow my favorite teams. I love the Buffalo Bills, St Louis Cardinals, UNLV athletics and since I met my wife- the Texas Aggies.

As much as I love my teams, however, I am not a “psycho” fan. Nor do I lose sleep, get nervous, or go through long bouts of depression over the outcomes of athletic events. Not worth it. Sports are entertainment, not life. So if the Buffalo Bills lose a football game it really isn’t the end of the world.

What annoys me about sports the most is seeing or running into what I like to call “psycho” fans. We’ve all seen them. Usually an overweight, balding guy in his 40’s. He has the vanity plate that say YNKEEFN along with the license plate cover. He also wears the hat and jersey and knows everything about all the players and he takes it to heart when his Yankees win or lose.

What irks me the most about these types of fans is when they refer to their favorite team as WE. I cannot stand this. But people do it all the time. And I hear it all the time. “Yeah, we lost last week to the Lions. Next week we play the Packers.” Excuse me?! No, the (insert psycho fan’s team name here) lost to the Lions. You sir had nothing to do with it. Nothing whatsoever. The only people that should use “we” in reference to a team are the actual players on that team.

This really annoys me when people do this, but they do. These “psycho” fans just don’t get it. Athletes don’t care about you or your job or your life. They don’t know who you are. So, I really think some of these fans need to tone it down a notch. Keep things in perspective. And for the love of God stop saying “we lost” or “we won” because that would mean you’re on the team. You’re not.

A new look... Shave or Move Out?

Today was shave day for my mustache. 2 days ago was shave day for my beard. Or, as better described, my best attempt at a beard. I’m kind of facial hair deprived. However, I’ve never really gone longer than 5-6 days without shaving. So this summer I gave it the ‘ol college try. I stopped shaving around father’s day and decided to see what would happen. I actually kind of enjoyed the experience. And I liked my facial hair results.

My wife, on the other hand, hated it. Guess who won? Well, I’m clean shaven as I write this blog. Wife won. She always does. Being as I had the facial hair for like 5 weeks I kind of look weird to myself now that I’m clean. I’ll get over it. I did like it though. I really, really did. And since I’ve never been a big fan of other people’s opinions of me, I wasn’t too concerned of the comments I received. I do enjoy being married, and I ultimately have to keep the wife happy, so the beard had to go. It was fun while it lasted. I enjoyed being called homeless by some of my friends, and mountain man by others.

Honestly, what it came down to, is that I just wanted to try something different for a while. It wasn’t a lifelong thing, nor was I trying to annoy my wife. I just never did it before so I thought I would. Since my dad is facial hair deficient I knew it would be a battle, but again, why not? I’m off all summer and a little pubic face never hurt anyone.

I will say this about beards: they’re cool looking but very itchy. Mustaches with a beard are fine; mustaches solo are awful. Most women don’t like beards (and not just my wife). Beards make you look older. Food gets stuck in facial hair.

But overall, I miss my beard. I want to grow it out again for the winter. So, I really hope my wife lets me... I'll keep you posted!

Welcome to America!

Recently I was at the airport picking up a friend of mine- Cole Martin. He’s awesome and also a blogger but this blog isn’t about him. As I went into the airport I began one of my favorite pastimes- People Watching. I don’t know why I love doing this but I do. It doesn’t matter where I’m at or what I’m doing but people watching is so fun. Basically, it’s watching people that don’t know you’re watching them. I guess the law calls that stalking. Whatever. The airport- and Las Vegas in general- is a wonderful place to watch people. Actually, the more I think about it, Las Vegas could be the capital of the world for people watching.

Well, I came upon a couple who was really excited about being in Vegas. As I got closer to them I realized something was different. They were French. They were speaking French. And then it hit me. I wonder how many people come to Las Vegas for their first stay in the United States. My god! Can you imagine? A person coming to the United States for the very first time and they get off the plane and they walk into an airport full of slot machines, half-naked advertisements, and tuxedo clad limo drivers looking for wealthy people. They then get to walk outside, get in a cab and see the LV strip. I mean don’t get me wrong, we could do worse as a nation than Vegas as our representative, but I’m just not so sure LV is the best, most honest, representation of our great country. I guess it beats Yuma, Ariz. or El Paso, TX but what a culture shock it would be to come to the States for the first time via Sin City.

Is there really anything American about Las Vegas? Does Las Vegas encompass the American Dream? Who knows? Who am I to say? I love it here but I also know this place is, well, crazy. And it’s also very unique which is one of the reasons I love this place. Where else can you eat a steak at four in the morning? Or drink beer at 7 a.m. with other people? Where else will you find millions of hotel rooms that are rarely empty? I could go on but this isn’t a blog about Las Vegas. I just don't want foreigners getting upset when they visit Detroit and their asking where the MGM Grand is.

Next time you’re at the airport in Vegas look around. And look at anyone that looks foreign and ask yourself- is this their first time in America?

More importantly, who told them- if you really want to experience the U.S. then go to Las Vegas, NV. Ha ha…

Warning! Contents are Hot!

I have done some stupid things in my life. Childish things. Silly things. I’ve made mistakes. I’m human. We’ve all done stupid things in our lives. Poor choices. Bad decisions. We’ve all been there. Well, I’ve done it again.

July 20, 2010 will now be called Derek and Mike’s Firecracker Day.

How it began...

About a week ago my buddy Mike called me and told me about this Firecracker Burger that’s served at a restaurant at the new Aria Hotel. He said it’s insanely hot. Ridiculously hot. Well, I love spicy food. Love it! I go through Tapatio hot sauce like it’s nobody’s business. Mike also loves things hot. One of the many things we have in common. I guess that explains why we’ve been best friends for 15 years.

I’m now questioning the friendship. If Michael had never made that phone call I would have never know about this death trap, ulcer creating, inferno burger. And what’s funny about the whole thing is that Mike knew that once he told me about it I would want to go try it. He knows me that well.

So, yesterday we decided to do it. Why you ask? Because we’re stupid. There was no big prize, no discount, no t-shirt, no bet on the line, no dares. We did it because we wanted to say we did it. That's all. Man Pride baby!

To give you an idea about the burger… the meat is grounded together with a Bhut Jolokia Pepper (Ghost Pepper). It’s considered the hottest pepper in the world. It makes the Habanero pepper look like a cucumber. Warnings come with this pepper when it’s sold and it’s very hard to find. It is not for old people, pregnant women, or kids. Actually, it shouldn’t be for anyone. One pepper could probably spice up enough chili to serve the entire U.S. If you go on Youtube and type in “ghost pepper” you’ll see how much pain this thing can cause. Well, that’s what we were dealing with on this burger.

Mike and I ordered the burgers and lots of water and milk. I was so nervous about the burger coming my palms actually started sweating. Seriously, I was scared. Mike didn’t look very confident either. The burgers came on red plates. We asked the waitress about this and she said it’s so no one accidentally takes a bite of the burger by mistake. It’s the only entrée in the restaurant served on a red plate. Pray for me. The waitress said the last guy that tried it ate half the burger and then threw up. Another guy ate a couple bites and was dry heaving 12 hours later! The last thing the waitress said was what scared me most. She said that you have to eat the thing fast because the pepper gets hotter as time goes on. Basically, it’s not a burger you can enjoy for 20 minutes. The heat gets hotter as the minutes go by. I thought that strange, but I knew exactly what she was talking about when I was in the fetal position 6 hours later.

We took pictures of the burger, stared at the burger, introduced ourselves to what was surely going to be an eating experience we would never forget. The spice from the burger actually made me sweat without even biting into it. That’s not an exaggeration.

I took the first bite. Holy LAVA! Hot is not even a word worthy enough to describe this thing. Immediate sweat. Next bite wasn’t better. Saliva is dripping all over the place. Toe nails are sweating. Pain all over. PAIN.

Third bite- my mouth is numb, somebody call the paramedics. More water. Pain. Pain. Pain.

Fourth bite- all I can think about is taking my fork and sticking it into Mike’s eyeball for doing this to me. I hate Mike. But seeing him in pain makes me feel better. I put the fork down.

Fifth bite- the pain is unimaginable, my face is literally going numb. I’m wondering what the article in the paper is going to say about the two local guys who died in the restaurant. I’ll miss my wife. She was right, she's always right. This was a stupid idea.

Sixth bite- not dead yet. I can make it! My nostrils feel like they have curling irons inside of them. The pain is moving to other parts of my body like I swallowed a black widow or something. Waitress! Where's the hotel pool?

Seventh bite- more water. Need more water. Are there coals in my mouth? I’m scared to burp because I don’t want to be responsible for blowing up the restaurant. I am an IDIOT for doing this. I now look like I just left the hotel sauna. My hair hurts. How can hair hurt?

Eighth and final bite- I’m happy I’m finished. My plate is under sweat and floating away. I’m wondering what my family would think if I just jumped off the hotel roof and ended this misery. My mouth is in pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone in the world. The 9 glasses of water and 3 milks aren’t helping one bit. The waitress finds this amusing. I want to choke her. The table next to us thinks it's funny too. I hate all of you.

Well, Mike and I both finished our burgers. We did survive. I can’t speak for Mike but I will never do this again. It feels like I swallowed the sun. As I am writing this blog it has been 19 hours since the Firecracker Incident and I still don’t feel right. I didn’t sleep well and my bathroom visits have been worse than the eating of the burger. My first 2 peepees of the day burned. Honestly, it felt like I was peeing Tabasco sauce. And Heartburn is such a mild term; I would describe it as Heartfire.

My wife has no sympathy for me but why should she? She warned me. I’ve always tried to keep my blogs classy and PG so I will not describe any more what has gone on behind the ‘bathroom’ doors but if you want more details I’m always a phone call away. And if you ever want to try this burger I will buy it for you if you can finish it. That's a promise.

As for Mike, we’ve spoken a few times since The Incident. He’s hurting. He texted me last night and at one point he was on his hands and knees from the burning pain in his body. I told him that as long as he was down there he should just ask the Lord to end it all so he wouldn't have to endure anymore pain. Well, he called me this morning so I know he survived the night.

And that, in a nutshell, is Derek and Mike’s Firecracker Day. It was bad. Very Bad. But we did it. And no one can take that away from us. Here’s to Mike, the only friend in the world that would do this with me. I hate you.

Until Next Time, keep it spicy…

Marriage

Recently I(we) celebrated my first wedding anniversary. Whenever I tell people I’m married I always get the question: So, how’s married life? I answer: It’s good, lots of compromising, but I’m happy. And it’s the truth. I am happy. I enjoy marriage. But it is different. Things do change. A few things I didn’t know about being married. They’re not deal breakers but can try my patience from time to time :)

#1) If someone is coming over to your house, the house must be spotless. It doesn’t matter if it’s a friend you don’t like, your brother, or the pizza delivery man. If someone is coming over it’s clean time. My wife- and usually me- must begin cleaning like our lives depend on it. Dusting, mopping, wiping, scrubbing, etc. Clean, clean, clean. And hurry, we must clean as if someone is knocking on the door at the very moment we're cleaning. I don’t get it. Our house always looks relatively clean. Why does it have to look like we’re trying to sell it when someone’s coming over for two minutes? I can understand if someone’s coming over for dinner or staying for a couple nights, but we have to clean even if someone’s dropping by for only a second. For a while, I was telling my friends to just meet me in the garage. That made it easier, ha ha.

#2) Making the bed. Sorry, I’m not a bed maker. I haven’t been since I was like 9 years old and realized it was a waste of time. Making the bed is a wonderful way to teach responsibility to a kid. But I’m responsible now and I can pay my bills and go to work without making my bed. Really, why do it? Your bed is in your bedroom. No one sees your bed. And when you go to sleep at night you’re just going to mess it all up again. There are other ways to spend your six minutes than to be making the bed. My wife does it everyday. I rarely do it. I'll mow the lawn.

#3) The TV volume. I admit, I listen to my TV at a loud volume. Why do I do this? Because I can’t hear it! I’m not blasting the TV because I like to watch Saved by the Bell in rock concert form, I’m doing it because my hearing- quite frankly- sucks. It’s not my fault. I have bad ears. Always have. I think my wife thinks I’m doing it to be obnoxious. I’m really not. I just can’t hear it. And unfortunately our TV volume isn’t very good. Or is it? I wouldn’t know ☺

I love being married. I do. And no matter what I do to annoy my wife she always knows I try my best. And I’m not very stubborn. I will admit when I’m wrong and I will try to improve. But I will never understand the cleaning thing and the meaningless bed making. And there’s not a whole lot I can do about the TV volume. I’m sorry, my hearing sucks.

All in all, married life is good. And if these are the things we disagree on then I am sure we will be happily married for a very long time.

She Didn't Know...

After reading my friend Kelly’s blog I could only think of one thing: thank god for my penis. I don’t mean that in a vulgar way in any way, shape or form. I don’t. And I’m not saying that for a shock factor or to be gross. I’m saying it because I’m very happy I’ll never have to go through childbirth. The horror! Yikes. Great blog Kelly! Your blog was incredible and really made me wonder when I saw this TV show the other day...

Have you seen that show on TLC called I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant? I’m serious. I’m not making this up. It’s a real show. I watched an episode and the woman featured had no idea- not a clue- for 9 months of her life that something was growing inside of her? Then she had a stomachache, went to the potty, and Presto! Out came a baby. A boy. He was like 4.7 lbs.

How does one miss this? After what Kelly described I cannot imagine this happening to anyone, and yet they have a weekly television show about it. So it's happened to more than just one or two ladies. Ummmm, crazy! I was in awe the entire show. I had to double check the guide on my TV just to make sure I was watching what I thought I was watching. Incredible. No signs, no symptoms, no morning sickness, cramps, leakage, weight gain, swollen feet, headaches? Nothing. Really? Wow.

Well, Kelly, again, we appreciate the blog. I don’t think you’ve had one day in the last 6 months where you forgot you were with child. Heck, these ladies on this show are kind of lucky, huh? No idea they were pregnant until they had a stomachache and then a quick visit to the toilet and it’s all over. If it could only be so easy for all you brave souls out there that give birth. I gotta call my mom ☺

Don't believe me? http://health.discovery.com/tv/i-didnt-know-i-was-pregnant/about.html