Dana's on the Tilt!

Dana- This blog is all yours…. Ok, lots of random things that happened recently in my life. I bought a motorcycle. My friend has one too. We started a Motorcycle Club. The club is called the Nevada A&M Motorcycle Club. You should join. We invited people on facebook to join the club. We even have shirts. We now have 9 members in our club. The funny part is that the 2 guys with bikes aren’t even on facebook. So I am now part of a motorcycle club that has 9 members, only 2 bikes, 4 yellow shirts, and we have never officially met. So cool. Who wouldn't want to join? Next...

3 days ago I caught 2 high school kids having sex behind my baseball field. I wish I could say it was romantic to see love blossoming like that but it wasn’t. It was on cement and there was nothing cool about it. Gross. I caught these two very-overweight pimple-faced hornballs right before they we’re going to go at it. They were two very large kids. Again, gross. The male had his pants down and was on top of the female. I asked them what the hell they were doing and their response was "uh, uh, uh we're at lunch..." I was flabbergasted. This is not a fake story but it is funny. If you’re reading this and want more info just call me. Next…

Well, about a week ago I got a life insurance policy. I have one already but this is another one. So now I have two. My wife will be just fine if I die. Ok, when you get one of these things they send a nurse out to you and run some tests. They weigh you, measure your waist and chest and height, take your blood pressure and ask you questions (Do you smoke? Is your dad and mom still alive? Do you like cheese?—stuff like that). They also make you pee in a cup and they take your blood. I was prepared for this, so when Carlos (my nurse that came out) came to my classroom during my lunch period, I began inquiring about the tests and why they take pee and blood. He could tell I had done this before and he could tell that I was cool. He told me that my chest was much bigger than my belly so I’m in good shape. I thought that was weird, but hey, pretty cool. Well, when I asked him about the blood/urine work and why they take it, he looked at me and he said: “honestly, the only thing they test for is to see if you have any coke or heroin or major drugs in your system. And they run your blood to see if you have AIDS.” I was like, “oh sweet, thanks for telling me, I’m sure I’ll qualify then for my 200,000 dollar policy then being as I don't have HIV and I'm fresh out of coke and heroin. "Thanks Carlos, happy Martes! See ya’ later Senor!” Next...

I've been getting a lot of random emails from Cole. At first I was so happy because Cole has never emailed me before so I was pretty excited to open his email. To my dismay Cole didn't want to say hi and catch up. It was a fake damn it! The email had a link that sent me to a pharmaceutical company. I was pretty sure Cole didn't take a new job with Advil or Bayer so I had to call him and tell him that he had been hacked. It also happened recently to like 4 other people I know, so I knew it was a fake email. Next and lastly...

One last thing that happened that I thought was funny. James, Reggin Jamez!, texted me the other day about something he did. It was impressive and hilarious all in one. I guess James emailed the Buffalo Bills front office about Graham Harrell (the kid that played QB for Tex Tech a couple years back- he was a stud). Anyway, he said something along the lines of:
Hello- I may be a little bias (I’m a TT alumn) but I think your organization should take a look at QB Graham Harrell because he is still available to pick up as he did not get drafted and your team could use him.

Well, lo and behold, Reggin James got an email back right away. The guy in charge of operations for the Bills thanked him for the advice and asked him if he could send some video of Harrell playing.
I’m not sure if that’s cool or pathetic on the Bills end of things but I thought it was hilarious that they actually emailed a random guy from Texas back.

Ok, Dana, sorry it's been so long. Baseball season is wrapping up soon and I'll blog my face off for you! Love you. Friends do this...

American Food...

How come whenever it is you ask someone what their favorite food is the last response (if you've ever even got the response) is American Food. If you ask someone, "Hey, what's your favorite food?" They'll say... "Oh, I love Mexican food, or Chinese, or Italian food." You'll very rarely-if ever- hear someone say "I love American food! Hell yeah! Get me burgers, dogs, pizza (don't tell me it's italian because it's not anymore), wings, and a milkshake to wash it down. Hallelujah for American food!" Yeah, you'll never hear that.

I wonder if you were in Italy and were to ask a local what their favorite food is, what the response would be.

(My broken italian)- "Mi scusci locale, uh, what's your favorite mangiare?" Italian guy- "American food e il mio preferito ! Now, go to the McDonald's on Linguini Ave. and get the McRib. It's to die for. You'll love it! L'amore si!!!

So, yeah, I wonder why American food isn't more often given as an answer to the 'ol favorite food question. Burgers, Steaks, Wings, BBQ, fries, pizza, hot dogs are all american food really. And they all are unhealthy, but that's another blog. Obviously, Americans love these things because there's a kabillion places that serve these items. Yet, nobody wants to admit that American Food is their favorite OR they're not sure what someone might say if the response is- "American food is my favorite!"

My favorite? Chinese/Asian food.


Not Panda.

Expressions

Why do people(strangers) say "How are you?" when honestly, they don't really care? I do it too. And I know you do it as well. We all do it. We always say it. "How are you?" "How are you today?" Are you really interested? Is anyone really interested?

And why do people say "be safe"? How do you 'be safe" exactly? I mean, don't we always try to 'be safe' and when people (or your mom when you were a kid) say 'be safe' do we really conciously go "oh, ok, i'm going to be safe because they said so this time. Normally I'm not safe. But since that lady said 'be safe' I'll be safe just this time."

And what does " good night" mean exactly? Does that mean "hey man, brush your teeth, sleep well and I hope you wake up tomorrow morning"? Is that a good night? Or do you have to have a really sweet dream to have a 'good night'?

Interesting how many expressions that we use on a daily basis that are, quite frankly, ridiculous. I love the "I don't know" excuse we all use when we don't have a reason as to why we did or didn't do something. Instead of having a reason we resort to "I don't know..."

My wife- "Derek, why didn't you take out the trash?" My response: "I don't know."

Response I should give: "I didn't want to because I'm lazy, tired and walking 15 feet to take the trash out really wasn't on my agenda at the exact moment that you asked me to take the trash out."

My wife- "Why are you being sarcastic?" Me- "I don't know."

The Mullet and Bumper Stickers

Well, I know it’s been a while since I last posted. I never started my blog with the intention of writing one every day or every week even, but this has been a long stretch and I do apologize to my 8 followers. I’ve been extremely busy. Baseball season, what can I say. This past weekend I went down to Northridge, California to see an old player of mine play a couple games. His team lost but it was great seeing him. He’s very good and it sounds like he’ll get drafted this summer so I’ll be following him.

Ok, everyone knows about the Mullet. I still have it. It’s been 8 days now since I’ve had it. It’s so bad. It gets stares everywhere I go. I even had a guy stop me in a bar and ask to take a picture of it. True story. My wife is a saint for allowing it. She really is, because it’s hideous. There is nothing cool about a mullet. But I’ve always been a confident cat, so it’s all good. If you want pictures just let me know but I’m pretty sure they're out there.

The reason I am blogging today is because I am sick and tired of these cheese ball bumper stickers that are out on the roadway. While we were driving in Liberalville- I mean, California- I noticed a lot of tacky bumper stickers. I don’t get it? This one guy had a bumper sticker that was written in 8 inch font. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t bumper stickers for other drivers to read? You don’t put a sticker on your car so you can read it, do you? I’m pretty sure my wife doesn’t have a Texas A&M sticker to remind her that she spent four years of her life there getting a degree. Erin has never said to me, “Derek, I forget, where did I go to school?”

You put these stickers on your car to show pride for your favorite sports team, or for a cause, or to honor your kid who got a couple A’s and B’s on his report card, or to give others your boss’ number if you’re driving like an ass, or to be funny and make people laugh. Right? The thing is though, if you put a sticker on your car- California guy BM14375- please be sure that we can read it without having to wave you over to the side of the road. The only reason I knew his sticker is because I’ve seen it before and he almost sideswiped us. It read: Yes, this is my truck. No, I won’t help you move. Yes, I know very cheesy.
I told Erin I want to make one for my truck: I’m borrowing this truck, but I will let my friend know you need help moving.

Until next time…

I'm back

Sorry to my followers. I've been extremely busy with baseball. Busy would be an understatement. My life has been school, baseball, home, dinner, fall asleep on the couch at 7:50 ish and then all over again. Ok, with baseball in mind, I've decided to cut myself a mullet for a fundraiser I'm doing. Dana- thanks for donating! I appreciate that. It's called The Great Mullet Fundraiser. Basically, the kids have to collect quarters. If 12,000 quarters are collected then I will cut myself a mullet during my school's spring assembly. If 40,000 quarters are collected I've agreed to keep the mullet for the entire baseball season. I'm really hoping we raise a lot of money, but NOT 40K quarters ($10,000). I don't know if my marriage can handle 6 weeks of a mullet cut. My hair currently is vry long. I haven't cut it since June 14th of 2009, so it's quite lengthy :)

My brother and Kevin have the Mullet Fundraiser out there on Facebook. So check that out. I will get tons of pics- I'm sure- of The Mullet if it becomes a reality. Stay tuned....

Reproduction

As most of you know I am a school teacher. I enjoy my job. And I am very fortunate because A) I have a job. B) I like my job C) no matter how god awful this economy gets there will always be kids out there, so I'll probably always have a job.

Kids. They're funny. Most of them I enjoy. But some of them I just wonder. They're a lot of lost souls, clowns, morons, etc. out there.

I mean drug dealers, welfare leaches, murderers, con men and the riff-raff of society had to start somewhere, right?

Here's my theory on why kids turn out bad. You ready? Parents. Bad parents make bad seeds! Bottom line. That's not to say that if you're a great parent your kid will turn out to be Pat Sajak or Ghandi, but in most cases good people produce good people. Crap people produce crap people. Really, it's not rocket science. Sometimes- as with anything- something goes a little wrong. Sometimes crappy parents produce great people- see Oprah Winfrey. And sometimes decent parents produce psychos- see Mr. and Mrs. Dahmer. Because ultimately it's up the the individual to make his/her own way in life, which is why I hate people that makes excuses for themselves.

Unfortunately you do not need a license or a permit or permission to reproduce. After being in public education for several years now, and seeing some of these kids I like to call "winners", I think having a kid should require some sort of permission. I think you should have to have a certain amount of money in the bank before you can have a kid. I also think you should be a certain age. I also think a certain level of education should be required. If you can love and provide for your kid then go for it! Have one. Or two. Hell, why not three or four. But if you can't then please don't have them. Unfortunately there are no requirements, so you will continue to see "winners" wherever you go....

Miles away from Idiots

Ok, so it's been 9 days since I last posted. Life happens, sorry. This past weekend I went to my family's cabin up in Duck Creek, UT. This place looks like a Thomas Kinkade painting. If you're not sure who that is then Google search the guy. Anyway, it is gorgeous up there! 10,000 feet up in the mountains, tons of snow, trees galore, and several miles away from idiots! We have several idiots running amuck in Vegas. Keep reading....

The other day I went to the Rampart Sports Book to place a bet. I had just came from baseball practice and I went to the window to place my bet against my home team. Yes, I bet against (or on) my team sometimes. People always get all flustered when I tell them about this. They think it's like I'm committing a sin. My response is usually "Hey, I know my team better than the average joe so I typically have a really good feeling if the Buffalo Bills will lose by only 10.5 or if the UNLV Rebels will cover on a given night. So, leave me alone!"

Anyway, I go to the window and some chubby gentleman with a large Michael Strahan gap in his teeth says to me "hey, sonny, can I see your ID." Now, I bet at this establishment all the time, and not once have I ever been called "sonny" and not once have I had to show ID. So, being polite, I say "no problem chubs" here you go... As he's eye balling my ID like Inspector Gadget I say "I'm 30 but you make me feel young, thanks...."

Chubs says to me that since I had a Bonanza sweatshirt on he just had to card me. Then I thought to myself, "oh, that's right chubs, you assumed that I was a 16 year old sophomore betting on sports on a Tuesday. And furthermore, you assumed that absolutely no adults work at high schools and no adults would wear a sweatshirt of the place where they work. Kids just go to school and educate themselves. Not one adult on site. No adults at any schools, just kids everywhere. Is that what you thought chubs?"

I wonder if Chubs would card an old lady wearing a Disney Land sweatshirt, assuming only a kid would go to a place like that. I mean that would be his logic, wouldn't it?

Well, no problem, I got to feel young again. And my new friend chubs gave me a free drink ticket so all was well. I wound up winning my bet easily that night and I realized that there are stupid people everywhere in the world. But fortunately when you go to the cabin you are miles away from them.

Hopefully there won't be a nine day lay off from my next post. Thanks for reading....