The Good Life of My Dogs...

The other day I was half asleep on the couch and Animal Planet was on the tube. I heard some lady say something like “poor doggy” and I don’t believe she was talking about this dog’s financial situation and I did notice the dog was in relatively healthy shape, so it got me to thinking…

The majority of dogs in this world (including my dogs) have an amazingly wonderful life. My dogs have it good and I wouldn’t even consider them spoiled.

Luxuries my dogs have that I don’t:

My dogs do not have to work. Not one single day of my dogs' life will they have to log any hours at a job.

Sleep. My dogs get as much sleep as they possibly want. In fact, sleep is one of their “to-do’s” every single day. Must be nice.

Wiping after pottying. Nope. They just get to go and that’s it. No additional work.

Food. Their meals are given to them everyday. No variety? Who cares. They get fed twice a day. No preparation and no clean up. Not too shabby.

Weekends? Every day is Friday for my dogs.

Annoying people. No worries. My dogs can’t understand English and therefore if someone annoys them they can just walk away.

Exercise. My dogs enjoy it but if they don’t do it it doesn’t matter anyway. They’re in great shape no matter what.

Complete joy, happiness and fulfillment. They get this every time someone comes home. It’s like they hit the doggy lottery when the garage door opens.

So don’t ever, ever feel sorry for a dog. Well, don’t feel sorry for my dogs anyway.

Ruff.

Untitled

As strong as you are let me catch you when you fall

Reaching out to stars might not be enough today

Show me your soul through your words

That’s how I want to

That’s how I want to Remember you

I’d like to say hello with no words

I’d like to choose my way but I can’t choose yours

That’s how I want to

That’s how I want to Remember you

We can make it but we’re running short on time

But there’s a chance it may not work

That’s how I want to

Remember us

Baby

My wife's pregnant. I'm excited. I really am. I don't think anyone is ever totally prepared to have a kid. It's life changing (I've heard this 200 times). There's truly nothing that can prepare you for having a newborn. I know this. I have two very good friends that are brand new parents. I can't say I envy them, and I've picked their brains as much as I can, but again I'm sure my wife and I have no idea what's really going to happen until the baby actually comes. Sleepless nights and shooting poop are two things I am not looking forward to.
Many people keep telling me how great its going to be and how my life will never be the same. I keep thinking to myself: yes, I know my life won't be the same. How could it be? Your life can't be the same when you're responsible for another human being. Hell, my life wasn't the same when I got a dog. This I can't imagine! But come hell or highwater, ready or not, the baby is coming. My wife and I have decided to wait to find out the sex. I tell people this and they think we're crazy. I figure why not be surprised? After learning santa is your parents and turning 21 they're aren't too many cool surprises in life. So, we'll wait. We'll be surprised.
I know deep down my wife wants to know but she's being a good sport for me. My wife has a hunch it's a girl so it probably is. We have names we like but I'm sure it'll change. I figure if my wife and I can be half the parents our parents were for us, then our kid will be just fine.
I just hope the baby's head isn't as big as mine or my wife will endure unimagineable pain and will probably file for divorce immediately. I hope my baby likes me. I hope my baby has my wife's smile. I hope my baby likes beef jerky. I hope my baby isn't ugly. I hope my baby likes the Buffalo Bills and the Texas Aggies.
I hope my baby....

I'm Busy

Its been a while since I last blogged. I'd say I was busy but that's such a lame excuse. Isn't it? That's got to be the #1 excuse in the United States of America.

Hey Jim, where were you the other night? Oh sorry, I was busy.

Hey Shannon, can you make it to my house to go over the blah blah...

Oh, I'm sorry, I can't. I'm busy.

Tony, what's up, I haven't seen you in so long...

Sorry bro, I've been busy.

Ok, so were all busy. Everyone in America is busy. We have very little free time because we're so busy. And if were not that busy were going to use that as an excuse every time you ask us where we've been or what we've been up to! It's true.

What's unfortunate is that many of us truly, are that busy. In this country, on average we start working when we are teenagers. By the time some are in our mid to late 20's we've been part of the work force for a decade. And many of us will work until were 65. 30 year career sounds nice doesn't it? But most of us will actually work about 50 years of our lives. And we'll do this with about 1-3 weeks of vacation scattered into those years.

Why? I don't know really. We all have to work at some point or another. The alternative is being broke and homeless. So, unless that's that you want, you'll be working. In some countries the average vacation time per year is 8-12 weeks a year. The only job in the U.S. that has that kind of awesomeness is a teacher. Well, that's why I am one.

But for the other 90% of people its 1-2 weeks off a year for 40-50 years of their livelihood. I hate looking at it like that but it's the truth.

So, I guess we really are busy.

I guess the only solution is this: like what you do. And party like hell on your days off and on your vacations.

Reality TV. Goodbye Professional Actors...

You know what's really sad?

My wife and I were talking the other day and we realized that the 4-5 TV shows we watch on a regular basis don't actually have one single professional actor in them. What's even scarier is that most of the programs on television these days don't. Everything out there is "reality TV" which I find ironic because most of the shows aren't realistic. The Hills and that Kardashian show and Dog the Bounty Hunter are absolutely terrible and in no way, shape or form would I consider those shows "real" or "reality". My wife and I have been watching The Bachelor Pad lately. It's a bunch of good looking (although I'd argue that) younger people living in a house together, doing pointless challenges during the day, hooking up at night, and drinking the entire time. At the end of the show the contestants have to vote for someone to leave. So sad. I guess the last person or couple (because some of these hapless people have found love) win 250,000 taxed-all-to-hell dollars. Every week I complain about how stupid the show is. Every week I watch. And I guarantee millions of Americans that do watch would agree that the show is bad. Other shows we follow with no professional acting: The Biggest Loser, Intervention, Hoarders, The Bachelorette, Wipe Out, and Hell's Kitchen. All of these shows are incredibly popular and they do it without professional actors. I almost feel bad for actors trying to make it in today's entertainment industry. I mean where do you look for work? How do you get work? It seems to me these shows are doing just fine without professionals. And the cost of labor has to be great because the producers aren't paying for professional actors. Poor, poor actors.

Requirements for Biggest Loser- you must be 200+ lbs overweigtht, emotional, and willing to take your shirt off and get on a scale on national TV.

Intervention- you must have a severe addiction to drugs or alcohol, violent temper, and it's preferred that you are homeless or have completely alienated yourself from your family.

Wipeout- show up on time and sign a medical waiver. It's preferred that you can swim.

Hell's Kitchen- you must have cooked food before (grilled cheese- cool) and you must smoke cigarettes, tempers are preferred.

Hoarders- must have collected tons and tons of crap for 20+ years and your home should be uninhabitable to normal people.

Really, it's out of control. So many new reality shows, so little time. But it's getting ridiculous. Now, there's a show on Animal Planet called Pit Boss. It's about a midget guy and his pitbull dogs. I guess he rescues them or something. I can't get past the commercial. Have you seen this? I'm serious. And all the people on the shows are midgets and they look tough! Well, as tough as a midget can look I guess.

Anyway, think about the shows you watch or the shows you see on TV. How many of them are reality TV shows? I'm willing to bet you watch or follow a few. And if you don't? No sweat. You're not missing anything...

Can't You See We're Open?

I like fast food. I do. I admit it. I'm not one of those people that say "Wendy's? Eeew, gross" Or, "I hate McDonalds" I'm honest with myself. I enjoy fast food and from time to time I will eat fast food. Now, I also enjoy not being 180 pounds overweight so I try to limit how much fast food I eat. I bring up fast food because just recently we had a Carl's Jr. open up near house.

Exciting, right?! No, not really. I don't consider a new fast food joint opening world breaking news. Happens everyday. And let's be honest... it's the grand opening of a place that is no different than about 10 million other places in the world. Well, don't tell that to the powers that be at Carl's Jr. The new restaurant near my house went all out. Above and beyond. You'd think this CJ opening was a Hollywood premiere. Seriously. For the past 2 weeks they've had that grand opening-bright as hell-triple moving light machine going. You know, so you can see the lights in the sky and you ask yourself "what's that?" And if you're really nerdy you'll ask your spouse or roommate to go outside and check it out. Crazy madness I tell ya. I mean maybe for the first 2-3 days they could have that thing going but it's been like 2 weeks now- all night they blast that thing. My question is, simply- Why?

To let us know they're open? I mean, really, it's not that hard to figure it out. The following makes it perfectly clear that this place is open for business!

The lights on the inside of the retaurant are turned on.
There's 4 cars in the drive thru.
There's a helium filled 2 story milkshake on the roof.
There are 10 cars in the parking lot.
There are people inside and we can see this through the glass windows.
There's steam/smoke coming from place.

I mean really. Are they trying to get people from 10-20 miles away to come to their restaurant? It's Carl's Jr. for goodness sakes! Fast food. These establishments are on every corner in America. I don't think the lights are going to make someone drive an extra 10 miles to get to their specific fast food place. It's the same old greasy slop for the same old prices as any other fast food place in America. I'm sure the people that live far away can find a 6 dollar combo much closer to home.

I don't know. Maybe they got the roller lights you-can-see-from-space machine for free. In any case I think it's pretty funny and truly unnecessary.

We get it Carl's Jr. You're open!

Pedestrians...

I don’t know if this is a Vegas thing or a nationwide thing but what in the hell is the deal with pedestrians that have the audacity and nerve to take their time walking across the street. This is a huge pet peeve of mine. And I’ve had multiple conversations with my brother and my buddy Mike in regards to this.

I don’t mind stopping for pedestrians but some of these idiots (scumbags) take walking across the street to a whole new level. Many of them don’t use the crosswalks and I often wonder if they even care about getting hit. Perhaps one day I’ll just hit them because sometimes they make it so difficult not to plow into them and continue down the road.

Often, these individuals walk very slowly and will stare you down while you approach. They have this sense of entitlement of the streets. Cars must stop for them. Often, their pants are around their knees and you get to see their boxer shorts as they arrogantly take their time walking across the street. If you look at these individuals in the face they look right at you as if they’re willing to fight you, or fight the vehicle you’re driving. It’s really ignorant. If you honk or yell at them you’ve created a war.

You’d think these individuals would hurry across the street, you know, so they don’t get ran over. Nope. They’re never in a rush and usually enjoy the fact that you have to stop for them. I wonder if they even know that if they get hit, while not in a crosswalk, the driver is rarely held at fault. And even if the driver was held accountable they’d be dead anyway. Every time I read an article about a pedestrian getting hit I always wonder if the guy in the vehicle was a little bit like me and just had enough and conveniently just kept driving.