What Have You Done?

First-

Congratulations to the Lady Ags of A&M as they won the 2011 NCAA basketball tournament. UCONN and Stanford were the favorites but they didn't even make it to the championship game. Go Ags!

Ok, now for the show...

Kids got it good! Really good. Especially babies. I thought my dogs were spoiled. Well, they are, but nothing comes close to how spoiled babies are. They don't do anything. They get fed, cleaned, kissed, held, wiped, cuddled and pleased every single minute of the day. Waited on like royalty. And all the while they get packages in the mail for them. Tons and tons of clothes they'll never remember wearing, toys to stop them from crying (that they'll never remember), diapers they'll soil, and cards they don't know how to read. Must be nice.

You know who should be getting gifts in the mail? The parents! Especially the moms. My wife deserves new outfits, cool toys and nice cards and a few balloons too. My wife can use the new clothes because her current ones get baby spit all over them. And my wife knows how to read so a card would actually be appreciated.

What has my kid done to deserve this praise? Nothing. Not a damn thing. It's really silly if you ask me.

And then for the rest of a baby's life we celebrate the day they were born. Why do we do this? It's not an accomplishment. You know what is an accomplishment? Going through labor for 30 hours and spitting out a 6 pound person. That's an achievement we should celebrate with gifts and praise.

I think when women give birth they should forfeit their own birthday and take their offspring's birthday and call that 'Labor Day' and then celebrate that every single year. They've earned it. Trust me, they've earned it! I witnessed my wife's labor and it deserves plenty of praise. My daughter didn't do much but cry and whine and now were showering her with gifts while my wife is gettting no sleep and spit all over her old clothes that should be replaced by 'new' clothes because of the work she did.

This in no way means I don't love my daughter. I do. She's awesome. But it sure does make me laugh when I see all the stuff she's getting for just being cute.

Dads don't really deserve much. We're awkward at best in the caregiving department.

Cute as a Bug...

I've been a dad for 2 weeks. One thing is for sure....I still don't know what I'm doing. I hold the baby she cries. I give baby back to mommy and the baby is fine. Maybe I smell weird or don't hold her right. Who knows?

A few things I've noticed the last few weeks that make me laugh. In our baby room we have a little quote on the wall: Cute as a bug. Seriously, what the hell does that mean? Very common saying, but there's one problem with it...bugs aren't cute! I hate bugs. I do everything to get rid of bugs. I pay a guy 20 bucks a month to kill my bugs. So, why on earth do we have sayings like "cute as a bug"?!? It's comical to me.

Another thing I've noticed is that a lot of baby stuff- clothes, toys, sheets, etc.- utilize the smiling bear. A grizzly bear. Really? It's one of the most viscious animals in the world. One swipe from a bear paw can kill a human. And yet we make this animal look cute and happy and we put it all over our baby stuff. Weird.

Here's a question- how come we stop wearing onsies? Babies get to wear them all the time. They're so awesome! Very practical. Usually one color or one pattern. Easy buttons. No need for pants and a shirt and accesories. No dry cleaning or ironing. Hell, if I could wear them I wouldn't even throw on underwear. I'd buy a onsie for each day of the week. Different color or pattern. Whatever I felt like.

And lastly I have a big problem with this silly little simile: sleeping like a baby.

Sleeping like a baby?!?! So stupid. You could replace 'baby' with rock, burrito, old man and it would be a better figure of speech.

Why would any rational human being want to sleep like a baby? Who wants to go to bed and then wake up crying every 1-2 hours? Who has the urge to eat at 2 a.m. and 5 a.m.? Who in the hell started saying this in the first place?

Well, hopefully I'll be a good dad. No guarantees. It's a lot of work. My wife is a natural. I am not.

Until next time...