Cute as a Bug...

I've been a dad for 2 weeks. One thing is for sure....I still don't know what I'm doing. I hold the baby she cries. I give baby back to mommy and the baby is fine. Maybe I smell weird or don't hold her right. Who knows?

A few things I've noticed the last few weeks that make me laugh. In our baby room we have a little quote on the wall: Cute as a bug. Seriously, what the hell does that mean? Very common saying, but there's one problem with it...bugs aren't cute! I hate bugs. I do everything to get rid of bugs. I pay a guy 20 bucks a month to kill my bugs. So, why on earth do we have sayings like "cute as a bug"?!? It's comical to me.

Another thing I've noticed is that a lot of baby stuff- clothes, toys, sheets, etc.- utilize the smiling bear. A grizzly bear. Really? It's one of the most viscious animals in the world. One swipe from a bear paw can kill a human. And yet we make this animal look cute and happy and we put it all over our baby stuff. Weird.

Here's a question- how come we stop wearing onsies? Babies get to wear them all the time. They're so awesome! Very practical. Usually one color or one pattern. Easy buttons. No need for pants and a shirt and accesories. No dry cleaning or ironing. Hell, if I could wear them I wouldn't even throw on underwear. I'd buy a onsie for each day of the week. Different color or pattern. Whatever I felt like.

And lastly I have a big problem with this silly little simile: sleeping like a baby.

Sleeping like a baby?!?! So stupid. You could replace 'baby' with rock, burrito, old man and it would be a better figure of speech.

Why would any rational human being want to sleep like a baby? Who wants to go to bed and then wake up crying every 1-2 hours? Who has the urge to eat at 2 a.m. and 5 a.m.? Who in the hell started saying this in the first place?

Well, hopefully I'll be a good dad. No guarantees. It's a lot of work. My wife is a natural. I am not.

Until next time...