Cute as a Bug...

I've been a dad for 2 weeks. One thing is for sure....I still don't know what I'm doing. I hold the baby she cries. I give baby back to mommy and the baby is fine. Maybe I smell weird or don't hold her right. Who knows?

A few things I've noticed the last few weeks that make me laugh. In our baby room we have a little quote on the wall: Cute as a bug. Seriously, what the hell does that mean? Very common saying, but there's one problem with it...bugs aren't cute! I hate bugs. I do everything to get rid of bugs. I pay a guy 20 bucks a month to kill my bugs. So, why on earth do we have sayings like "cute as a bug"?!? It's comical to me.

Another thing I've noticed is that a lot of baby stuff- clothes, toys, sheets, etc.- utilize the smiling bear. A grizzly bear. Really? It's one of the most viscious animals in the world. One swipe from a bear paw can kill a human. And yet we make this animal look cute and happy and we put it all over our baby stuff. Weird.

Here's a question- how come we stop wearing onsies? Babies get to wear them all the time. They're so awesome! Very practical. Usually one color or one pattern. Easy buttons. No need for pants and a shirt and accesories. No dry cleaning or ironing. Hell, if I could wear them I wouldn't even throw on underwear. I'd buy a onsie for each day of the week. Different color or pattern. Whatever I felt like.

And lastly I have a big problem with this silly little simile: sleeping like a baby.

Sleeping like a baby?!?! So stupid. You could replace 'baby' with rock, burrito, old man and it would be a better figure of speech.

Why would any rational human being want to sleep like a baby? Who wants to go to bed and then wake up crying every 1-2 hours? Who has the urge to eat at 2 a.m. and 5 a.m.? Who in the hell started saying this in the first place?

Well, hopefully I'll be a good dad. No guarantees. It's a lot of work. My wife is a natural. I am not.

Until next time...

Fatherhood...

It's been a while. A long while. I am now officially a father. Hold the applause. Dry your eye. I'm not even really sure what I'm doing but I think I'll get the hang of it. The whole experience, honestly, was incredible. It's something that is impossible to describe unless you have kids yourself. We were admitted into the hospital on a Monday. The birth was Tuesday night. The baby came home Friday night.

Shea Lynn Stafford. Beautiful baby girl. I'm biased but she's the cutest girl in the world!

My wife was incredible. I have a whole new respect for her. And she's even more incredible to me than the day we married.

A six pound human being is really an incredible sight. You can literally hold the baby in one arm. I think I would compare a newborn to a 98 year old man/woman. I guess we come into this world and out of this world the same way: neck is weak so a lot of bobble heading. Poopy pants. No teeth. Wrinkly hands and feet. Lots of whining and complaining. Funny smell. Glassy eyes. Lots of sleeping during the day. Less sleeping at night. Fussy. Grumpy.

So far, so good. I'm sure parenthood will make for some comical moments. For those of you that read I'm sorry it's been a while. I'm trying my best. Until next time...

Executive Assistant Barista Coach

Titles. Is it me or have titles become too silly these days? Job titles especially. Important jobs, meaningless jobs, management jobs, minimum wage jobs. Doesn't matter. They're some titles out there...

The other day I was at Walgreen's. I had to do a double take at the check-out counter when I saw the name tag of the guy checking me out. Executive Assistant Manager. Huh? What the heck does that mean? Assistant manager I get. But what is an 'executive' assistant manager? Does he have more responsibility than an assistant manager but less than a manager? Does he get keys to the cash registers but not the safe? Is he allowed to develop pictures but not allowed to do refunds? I don't know.

When I was at Best Buy last month I needed some help. A lady at customer service kindly told me she'd get me a 'CSR' right away. "Thanks' I said and thought to myself what in the hell is a CSR? Well, a zit-faced teenage boy came over to me and helped me. His name was Clayton. His title: Customer Service Representative. Wow! I couldn't believe it. That's a fancy name for a pee-on making 7.75 an hour. No offense, Clayton.

I've seen at restaurants lately this title: server assistant. Now I've been in restaurants all my life. My dad managed one. He was the general manager. So I'd like to think I know the restaurant business a little bit. It has only been very recent that I have seen the title of server assistant. Why? Because for the last 75 years normal people have been calling them busboys!

General manager. Head Manager. In-store Manager. Assistant Manager. Associate manager. Executive Manager. Good grief...


My profession: Teacher, Professor, Instructor.

My favorite? Guest Teacher. That's what my PC school district calls substitute teachers. Hell, I find 'substitute teacher' much too fancy. I call them 'subs.' Sue me.

Doesn't starbucks call their employees something cool? Like Barista Technicians or something? Nonsense.

It's in sports too. Assistant head coach? Huh? Associate head coach? Again, huh? Sports Information Director???

And I still don't know what a key grip does. Do you?

My Papa Johns Experience

Better Ingredients. Better pizza. That's funny.

I'd like to recommend a new marketing slogan for Papa John's.

Better customer service. More return customers.

Or....

Give us 90 minutes. We'll get you a pizza.

I guess mine aren't that catchy.

The other night I had a terrible experience at Papa John's. But as I waited more than an hour and a half for my mediocre pizza I could only laugh at the whole situation. And I will return to Paps John's because the help wasn't rude, they were just buried with orders. They didn't lose me as a customer.

As if our society isn't lazy and fat enough we can now order pizza via the internet. Don't even have to talk to a human being. Just a few clicks and your pizza order gets rollin'. What a country we live in!

I ordered 2 pizzas for carry out from PJ's the other night. The order time was 6:22 p.m. The wait time I was given was was 35-40 minutes. Hey, no problem! I got to PJ's at 6:58 thinking that was about right.

I paid for my pizza at approximately 7:00. The sweaty girl with flour on her shirt told me: 5 minutes, sir.

Sure, no problem. I'll just wait.

Fast forward to 7:24 and I'm getting a little annoyed. I'm sitting in an area no bigger than my house's food pantry waiting for my order. The place is a zoo. A zoo! 9-12 employees frantically trying to keep up with the chaos. I kept myself entertained by counting how many delivery orders went out and how many drivers would return and yell "Driver In!!!" right in my ear because there was nowhere else to stand. If I moved anymore to the left of this place I would have been inside the soda machine. I could have gone outside but I was afraid they'd forget about my order.

There was an older gentlemen who was hating his life that appeared to be in charge of the pizza zoo. He kept looking at me as if to say: i'm sorry, this is a little more than 5 minutes, please don't flip out on me, it's really not my fault, and if you do yell at me I'm not going to care anyway because I hate this job and hate my life.

7:32- no pizza order yet. I've counted 12 employees working. 8 workers inside the zoo and 4 yelling delivery drivers. The zoo keeps chugging. I'm starting to just hand out sodas to people.

7:37- manager guy says my order is just about ready. He's trying his best but I'm tired and want to go home. Had I not paid for my order already I would have been at home with Wendy's by now.

7:44- manager guy has my order! And this is when manager guy says to me:

Here's your order sir... I think you'll like it.... Looks good.... Please be careful, it's very hot, it just came out of the oven.


I started laughing out loud and thought to myself:

No sh!t it's hot and just came out of the oven! I've been standing in your sweaty zoo for more than a half hour now waiting for this order I placed an hour and a half ago. I watched you make my pizza and put it in the oven. I then watched you take it out of the oven and put it in a box and hand it to me. I know it's hot and yes I'll be careful. Just give me my damn pizza.

He was nice about it but I couldn't help but laugh at his silly comment. The whole experience made me realize why I don't ever really go to PJ's in the first place. The pizza's OK- perhaps a step above Pizza Hut- but it's not worth a 90 minute wait. And nothing is worth hanging out in that little zoo of a pizza shop.

All in all, I thought pizza manager guy's comment was great. Truly made me laugh all the way home.


Oh Big Papa, oh big papa!

Easily Annoyed...

Things that have annoy me the last few times I've been out in public:

Parents who let their friggin’ 2 year old order food. We get it, OK. You’re trying to teach your kid socialization skills and how to be independent and all that jazz. Well, you know what? It’s stupid. Your kid and his limited vocabulary will have plenty of time to practice ordering food in his lifetime. Let’s save the lesson for another time. You’re annoying the person at the register and the 8 people behind you in line.


Guy with the hat who doesn’t remove the sticker. Take that stupid ass gold sticker off your hat. You look ridiculous. There’s nothing cool about wearing clothes that still have tags or stickers on them. I’ve heard these losers do this in order to steal hats from stores. This makes you an even bigger loser. Whoever started this ridiculous trend should be smacked.


Companies with facebook pages. I don’t get facebook in the first place but why on earth would you want to join Pizza Hut’s facebook page? I mean really. What’s the point? Are you going to connect with other people who eat at Pizza Hut or something? Hey, you like Pizza Hut? Me too! That’s amazing!
Visit us on Facebook. No thanks! So stupid.


8-9 year old kids on cell phones. My kid will not have a cell phone until he’s at least in high school. I see 8-9 year old kids texting and talking on cell phones all the time! Who is an 8 year old texting? Why does an 8 year old need a phone? How many people does an 8 year old kid really know? What important calls does an 8 year kid have to make? What moron of a parent is paying for this?


Movies and TV shows created/written by Tyler Perry. It’s insulting to black people that Tyler Perry assumes that black people would like the crap he puts out. That’s all I have to say about that. Bad movies. Bad TV. Obviously catered towards black people. But it’s awful. Nothing funny or endearing about any of his stuff. I’ve tried watching to see how this guy got so popular and I just can’t watch it. And I honestly don’t think black people can either.


The “I don’t eat the crust” pizza eater. Why? Why don’t you eat the crust? It’s the best part of the greatest food invention in all of mankind. And if you don’t find it to be the best part then go fly a kite. If you don’t like the crust then why not just put melted cheese, marinara sauce and pepperonis in a cup and eat them with a spoon? The crust is the same thing as the bread which is holding your pizza together. It’s the Essence of your pizza! God, this really annoys me. Eat the whole slice for goodness sakes!

What annoys you?

Pride...

Very rarely do I blog about my job. But the other day I witnessed something that gave me great pride. It really encompassed all the reasons why I love education and coaching. It didn't happen inside the classroom; it happened on the athletic field. It was truly inspiring and probably something I'll remember for a very long time.

Right now we are in the middle of intramurals. Practice basically. It's not mandatory but it is mandatory. We have about 35-40 kids that come out and we practice them altogether- 9th-12th graders. All talent levels. We go over all the things the kids need to know in the game of baseball. Although it's tough to recognize on a daily basis, the kids that come out and make the COMMITMENT get better over the course of the winter leading up to the season.

My coachig staff is exceptional. I'm very lucky. When I took over the program in '04 I was nervous. I didn't have one single assistant and I was young and didn't know much about running an athletic program. Trial by fire. Well, I survived, the kids survived, we've had some success, some fun, some ups and downs, and lo and behold I now have a really good, solid coaching staff. There's 6 of us. We're a team. And I consider all of them good friends of mine.

We don't always agree on everything, and sometimes we fight about stupid stuff, but one philosophy we all agree on is- a strong work ethic and commitment. We are constantly preaching to the kids to work hard, put the time and effort in, make yourself better, make the commitment to the team and yourself, discipline in and out of the classroom, etc.

Really, we're preaching life lessons more so than anything else but the kids usually don't realize it until years later when they're in the real world. If these kids (and people in general) want to find success in this world, really, there's no shortcuts. You have to work hard, be disciplined, be committed, and so on. Most successful people in this world got to where they are through hard work, showing up to work, persistance and perservance. It's the same thing we preach to the kids.

I am constantly saying: make the commitment, come to baseball every day, be on time, work hard, don't make excuses, and good things will happpen. If they make this committment, guess what? They usually make the team. I take pride in rewarding kids that work hard and put the time in. There's always a spot on the roster for a kid that busts his butt day in and day out, regardless of his talent level.

Well, in a perfect world 100% of your student-athletes would show this type of dedication every single day. Well, it's not a perfect world. Most of our kids make the commitment and come to school and baseball every single day and what do you know? They're baseball skills improve. And usually they do better in school too. Go figure. But often you get the excuses as to why a kid can't make it to baseball. They're all terrible excuses and honestly I don't like them. And being as I only missed one day of school in 4 years of high school and zero days of baseball, I can't relate.

Well, every once in a while something will happen on the ball field which serves as a perfect example of what you've been preaching for years...

We were doing a routine fly ball drill and one of our kids got absolutely drilled in the face by a fly ball. Basically, he caught the ball with his face. He went down hard and there was blood and spit and crap everywhere. It was gross and scared me to death. I rushed out to the kid, took him to the trainer and hoped for the best. He was going to need stitches as his right nostril was split completely open. This happened on a Monday. I figured I'd see the kid in a few days while he recuperated. This actually would have been a pretty reasonable excuse to miss a day or two of baseball.

Tuesday. Less than 24 hours after this incident occured...

I got out to the field and was taking roll. My usual routine. I got to this kid's spot on the roll sheet and called his name. As I was about to mark him absent I heard- "here". I was shocked. I looked up and there he was. His nose was all bandaged up and his glasses didn't even fit right because of the bandages. I talked to him after warm ups and he had 7 stitches in his nose. He had been at the doctor's office pretty much all night.

If that's not dedication, committment, and desire then I don't know what is. I had never felt so proud in all my life for a kid. It serves as the perfect example for all the things we are constantly preaching about to all of the kids that come out to baseball.

Committment...Dedication...Hard Work....Desire...

What else is there?

Adult Truths...

I got this in an email the other day from a friend of mine, Lauren Huseman. Although most of my blog is original work written by yours truly I cannot take credit for this. However, it's awesome and that's why I'm posting it:


ADULT TRUTHS
 
 
1. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
 you're wrong.
 
2. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
 younger.
 
3. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
 
4. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
 
5. Was learning cursive really necessary?
 
6. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure
 I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
 
7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
 person died.
 
8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
 
9. Bad decisions make good stories.
 
10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
 when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the
 rest of the day.
 
11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't
 want to have to restart my collection...again.
 
12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if
 I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I
 did not make any changes to.
 
13. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
 answer when they call.
 
14. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
 Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
 
15. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
 
16. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
 
17. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
 smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

18. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to
 prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and
 sisters!
 
19. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.
 
20. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
 know what time it is.
 
21. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
 in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -
 but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away,
 in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
 
22. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and
 the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men
 to realize that their brain is also important.


Until Next Time...