It's Not the End of the World

The other day I was at the gas station and I overheard the attendant- who was ignoring me- say the expression (to the person he was talking to on the phone) we’ve all heard a thousand times- “It’s not the end of the world.” You’ve heard it. I’ve heard it. It’s thrown around so loosely it’s almost comical. At a restaurant when you order something they're out of and the waitress breaks the news to you, your expression might be “It’s not the end of the world.” Or when you get lost while driving and you’re running a little late, “it’s not the end of the world.” You get the idea.

Isn’t this just a stupid expression? Why do we say it? Is there ever a time where’d you’d say it is the end of the world?
In the emergency room when a loved one has just died…is that the appropriate time? I’m sorry Mrs. Lieberman, we’ve lost him, it’s the end of the world. Or would you say it’s not the end of the world to comfort Mrs. Lieberman?


We usually save the expression for things that are trivial or not a big deal or something we shouldn’t get worked up over, but still it doesn’t help.

I mean, what if it was the end of the world? What would people be saying? Would we be hearing people scream “it’s the end of the world!...it’s the end of the world!” Or would people be running around to calm other people down…”it’s NOT the end of the world, relax, it’s not the end of the world.”

I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me, but it’s a peculiar expression. It doesn’t help either. It offers no comfort when it’s stated and quite frankly it makes no sense. So, the next time someone tells you “it’s not the end of the world” you should tell them: Thanks genius, you’re right, it’s probably not the end of the world. So, good call on that, but it’s very annoying that this restaurant is out of the biscuits and gravy special! Or whatever else it is that required the expression it’s not the end of the world.

PayLess Pizza 'n' Ribs- Really?

The other day I had to take my wife to the dentist. Isn’t that always fun. I always feel guilty going to the dentist. I rarely go every six months and I don’t floss every day like I should. I’m sneaky, though, I floss everyday for the two weeks leading up to my appointment. It’s worked so far because in thirty years I’ve never had a cavity. But for some reason every time I get in that chair and wait for Dr. Toothy I always get nervous. I feel like a kid. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s because it brings back memories of when I actually went to the dentist twice a year. Who knows?

My wife’s dentist office isn’t in the best area. When I left the office I noticed one of the funniest named restaurants I have ever seen in my life. This place was called PayLess Pizza ‘n’ Ribs. I am not making this up for comedic dramadic purposes. I am serious, no joke. I mean where do I begin with this?

First off, who decides to sell pizza and ribs together? When ordering a pizza have you ever said to yourself... well, give me some sloppy ribs with that pizza! Probably not. Ribs and pizza? What an interesting combo?

If you were taking a test and the question was: What would you order with Pizza?
The possible answers would be:
a) garden salad b) chicken wings c) chicken fingers d) cheesy breadsticks e) BBQ ribs

What answer would you select? A-D are all acceptable answers. E- hhhmmm, doesn’t quite fit does it?

And if pizza and ribs isn’t odd enough the owner thought naming his joint "PayLess" would just bring them in in droves.

PayLess Shoes- Acceptable. Payless Auto Parts- Acceptable. PayLess Pizza n Ribs- Unacceptable.

By saying “payless” what are you really saying about your product? I’ll tell ya…Our product is OK,mediocre, not top of the line, cheaply made, but hey, you’ll pay a little less than our competition. Just try it.

Well, Is this really what you want to say about your pizza? Or about your ribs? Bargain pizza and ribs. I guess you can’t fault the owner for trying to be unique. He was thinking… hey, there aren’t too many shops that sell pizza and ribs together and do it at a fair price. Let’s do it!

Well, I’m not sure how this place does, but if you ever want to go just let me know. I’d like my first time to be with one of my Blogollowers…

Thanks for reading…

Your Call

As most of my loyal Blogollowers (if you’re reading this you are a Blogollower- I just made it up ☺) know I don’t write too many serious blogs. I mean my main objective is to poke fun at people or myself, make light of life, question stupid things I see on TV or in reality, and bring some smiles and laughs to my readers. If you can’t laugh and smile about things then you’re destined to be a depressed person.

With that in mind, here are some things to keep in mind that are important. I guess they are, I don't know, read them if you want. The important things besides laughing (I made this up, if they sound like something copied then maybe I heard it somewhere, but for the most part this is my advice off the top of my square head):

Enjoy your life. Work hard, make money, but keep things in perspective.

Own a Dog. You’ll learn more about loyalty and compassion than you’ll ever know.

It’s OK to disagree with people. It’s OK to disagree with your spouse and/or your friends.

Have quality friends that you can count on. Quality. Not quantity. 1-2 friends is just fine. Be a good friend to others, and you’ll have friends for a lifetime. Facebook friends aren’t always ‘real’ friends. Sorry.

Look people in the eye when you’re talking to them. Listen first before speaking and if someone is dealing with something important try not to interject with a story about yourself that you think might be helpful. Sometimes people just want to be heard. (I'm not always very good at this but I'm learning)

Floss. You’ll feel cleaner. Your call though.

Exercise if you want to. Don’t exercise if you don’t want to. Your call.

Eat what you want, when you want. If you do this in moderation you’ll probably be OK. If you eat a lot of crap, you’ll be overweight. But, it’s Your call.

Do dogs watch TV? And do dogs recognize other dogs on the TV? Yes. And Yes. My dog Molly is proof. I have video/pics to prove it.

Get a physical when you’re in your 30’s.

Cigarettes can kill you. But my Aunt is in her late 60’s and has been smoking 2 packs a day for 50 years. So, yes they can kill you, but this is what the S.G. should be saying….Cigarettes will add to your buzz when you’re drunk. They’ll make your fingers stink. They’ll be pricy as the years go by. They could eventually kill you, but so could a car accident. Good luck with smoking. We wish you the best. Smoking..Your call.

Tan if you feel like making your skin darker. It’s not very good for you and will eventually make you look older. Ladies, if you’re good looking you’ll be good looking pale or tan. If you live in a desert tanning is free for you; you don’t need to pay for it.

Grow a garden. It’s pretty cool when tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers and peaches start growing. Seriously, it’s easy, and will bring you a lot of pleasure. Not sure why, but if you need gardening tips please call me. Or, look it up on the internet. Your call.

Diet Dr. Pepper and Diet Mountain Dew are great drinks with zero calories if you’re trying to cut back on those. But again, Your call.

Read books. You’ll gain knowledge. Amazing.

Tell your spouse, family, and friends you ‘love them’ and don’t be afraid to give hugs. Don’t be a hard ass when it comes to those things. Not worth it.

Encourage young people to work hard, we live in a society of lazy people. Youngins need the encouragement.

Go a day w/o your cell phone. It will really show you the power of dependency on a 4X1 inch piece of plastic. It’s scary. I’ve done it before but it was because my phone got wet. I was ashamed of myself but that leads me to…
Accept your faults, learn from them, move on.

Don’t get married before 25. Statistics aren’t in your favor.

Write a letter to a stranger. If they write back, then good for you, it’ll be something in the mail that’s not a bill.

If you want to keep your grass green water it. Aerate it once a year. Fertilize 4 times a year. Mow when necessary.

Respect old people. They’ve earned it.

Compromising is better than fighting.

Pray. Talk to God. He listens.

Own your vehicles outright. If you can avoid having a car payment then don’t have one! On average Americans only keep their cars for 3.8 years while financing them for 5.5 years. Translation: we always have a car payment. Car payments will keep you broke. Avoid them.

Don’t be too critical of people. Forgive. Be confident. But be humble, forgive if you feel it’s deserved, and be critical when it can help someone.

If you’re comfortable wearing jogging pants, then wear them! Just remember though, you live in a world with a lot of other people, so dress how you want to be perceived. And unfortunately, there’s nothing cool about jogging pants.
(And very rarely will you see a successful C.E.O., president, manager, etc. with a lip ring or African earlobes or neck tattoos, so remember that)

Don’t be impressed or disappointed with your weather man. He’s basically telling you the history of the weather on a specific day based on data collected on that day in that region for the last 200 years or whatever. So, if there’s a 70% chance of rain on September 17th, 2011 then it’s probably because on the history of Sept. 17th’s it’s rained on that day 70% of the time. It’s not rocket science.

Most doctors are well-educated guessers. How many times have you gone to the doctor and the doc says.. “um, well, it could be a few things…” Well, you’d think he’d be able to narrow it down for the 150 bucks an hour he’s getting. Just keep that in mind the next time you’re at the doctor. They try their best.

Drink lots of water. Keeps the skin nice. And clears out the ‘ol system.

A high percentage of women who commit suicide have had breast augmentation. Sad, but it's true. Be happy with what ya got. Or enhance. Your call.

Don’t pay someone to do something you can do yourself.

Don’t ask someone to do something you wouldn’t do for them.

Be unique.

Change can be good.

Stereotypes are often true.

Smile. Cry. Yell sometimes. Love. Be happy. Say hello, say goodnight.

Your Call...

I'll take "Things I HATE to Buy" for $800, Alex...

Before my Blog today- quick recommendation… go see The Story in Their Eyes. It’s an excellent film! Really, a masterpiece. One of the best movies I’ve seen in a long time. It’s still in theaters but will be tough to find. You may have to wait for the DVD. It won Best Foreign Film (Argentina) at the Oscars in 2009.

Ok, today’s Blog is…

Things I Hate to Buy:

Toilet Paper- buying the stuff you use to wipe your butt. Seriously, it’s a necessity but it sucks. How much money in a lifetime do we spend on this stuff? It gives us nothing in return accept the fact, well, we HAVE to use the stuff! It’s not exactly cheap either.

Hangers- with all the clothes we buy and all the clothes we have you’d think we’d have enough hangers to hang stuff. But, no, every once in a while I find myself having to buy these stupid things. If you’re tight with your dry cleaner- I’m not because mine is an Asian lady I can’t understand- then you probably don’t have to purchase hangers. But since I don’t know Asian-lady-broken-English I have to buy hangers myself.

Lemons- I don’t eat lemons. Do you? But sometimes you need them for cooking, or for Tea, or for alcoholic drinks. But really, it sucks buying them. They serve no nutritional value and I often find myself buying 3 too many…which would be 4 lemons.

Paper Towels- see my comments on toilet paper. Got to have paper towels. But really, you don’t. They’re a waste. Even more of a waste, actually, than toilet paper.

Light Bulbs- yes, I know we need them, but again it’s one of those things I hate spending money on. I now buy those Fluorescent Light Bulbs because they last longer, but still, hate buying them.

Detergent- to keep my clothes clean. Whatever.

Toothpaste- to keep my mouth clean. Whatever.

Batteries- to keep me lazy so my TV remote works. What a pain when your remote goes out and you have no batteries. What a downer! Has that ever happened to you? I’d pay 300 bucks on the spot to not have to get off the couch and go to the store.

Dog Food- Can’t they just eat what’s in the fridge? Nope, they need their own food so they don’t have runny poopies.

Garbage Bags- whatever happened to burning our trash? Need em, but hate buying em.

Water- the Earth is 67% water and yet we buy like 6 billions dollars worth of bottled water a year! Not me. My hose works. I don’t buy bottled water. Well, I used to but not anymore. I got tired of buying it. It made no sense to me. The only bottles I buy now are ones with beer in them.

Home Phones- ask my wife about this. Please just ask her. That's a blog in itself.

Ice- yes, frozen water. But sometimes we got to have it so we spend 2 bucks on a 7 pound bag of this stuff. What a rip off!



There’s plenty of other things I don’t like buying but hey, what can you do. That’s life.

What don't you like buying?

Caballeros

The other night I went out with my brother to a Mexican Restaurant. His girlfriend works at the bar so we had some drinks. All in all it was a swell time. As a few drinks became a few more drinks I had to do my business. My bladder is not one of my strong suits. It’s small and must be emptied frequently. It’s a pain in the butt, but what can you do?

So I go make my way to the bathroom. It’s a darker restaurant, which I like, but I had a tough time finding the little boys room. Also keep in mind I had a few brews too. As with many establishments out there, the theme of the restaurant has to be 100% loyal to the particular theme. I cannot stand this.

So, in this case- Mexican. So, the owners really want you to feel like your in Mexico, as if labeling the restroom in Spanish will somehow make me forget that I’m on the Las Vegas Strip. Hey, whatever. I mean really if they wanted to make it authentic they should never clean the restroom and let people piss in holes in the dirt covered ground. And they should have a little girl sell you Chicklets gum when you leave the bathroom. Then I might think I’m in Tijuana, Mexico. Right?

And another thing- have you ever gone to a restaurant- or NOT gone to a restaurant- because of how their bathrooms are labeled? Yeah, didn’t think so…

I mean can WE not call the bathroom, well, THE BATHROOM. And we can’t possibly label them men’s and women’s. Again, I hate this. I really do. Twice in my life, because of this, I have entered the wrong bathroom. It’s not my fault. Sorry, I didn’t know ‘Caballeros’ mean’s this is where I have to go pee pee since I’m a boy.

Why can’t we just leave the bathroom’s alone? Just Men’s/Women’s or Gentleman/Ladies or even Penis/Vagina will suffice. Really it’s quite annoying.

Do you know what ‘toilette degli uomini’ means? I do. And do you know why? Because when I had to use the bathroom at a Macroni Grill I learned it means Men’s Restroom. This annoying establishment takes it to a whole new level. They teach you Italian while you’re doing your business. Now that’s just insulting, isn’t it?!

Not a disease....

I've touched on this subject before but I'll do it again because last night I saw another show about an abnormally huge person. Fat doesn't even cover it. You ever see those shows where there’s a man- or woman- who is so large, so obese, they can’t leave their bed? Like the “1200 pound man” or “800 pound woman” or something along those lines. It’s sad really. These people haven’t just merely put on a little holiday weight, or had a bad year, or don’t like exercise. Basically these people have just done nothing but eat, eat, eat for a number of years, years, years. I feel bad for them but what I can’t stand is that these so-called experts call it a disease. Obesity is NOT a disease. Eating food is not something that you become addicted to. I don’t buy it. It’s an excuse. Just like calling alcoholism a disease. It’s not. I’m sorry, but it’s a choice. Your body doesn’t need 12000 calories in a day. Your body doesn’t need to eat an 11-egg omelet, a pound of bacon, and a half loaf of toast in the morning. Calling “being fat” a disease is just an excuse. I hope that all obese people get help, get healthy, and lose the weight but let’s stop calling it a disease, please!

It Mattered

I wrote this piece like 10 months ago. It was something I wrote for my grandfather. He passed away when I was only 5 so I don't remember him all that well. I like to think my grandpa Norm was a pretty awesome guy because he taught my father about life, work ethic, discipline, etc. I think the world of my dad and I'm pretty sure my grandpa had a lot to do with that...

But today I'm posting this piece in honor of my wife's grandfather (my grandfather too) Leslie William Collins. Although I only met "papaw" a couple of times, I am very fortunate to have met him. He was an incredible person that lived an incredible life. His life counted because he made a difference, gave back to his community, and truly knew the importance of family. He was a part of his community and was married to the love of is life for 70+ years. His legacy is in his children, his grandchildren, and the hundreds of people's lives he touched.

Is there anything else you can ask for in a lifetime?

He was the definition of what a good man is and he proved it everyday of his life.

Although I didn't know him well, I will always remember him through his daughter Annelle, her husband Ted, and their beautiful daughter Erin, my wife.

In honor of Leslie Collins, Here's the piece...

Last winter I was walking when I saw an old man sitting on a bench. He was weathered, and he looked a little beaten down by life. His clothes had seen many years. His eyes were sad and his hands looked as if he worked a laborer’s life. He looked lonely. I don’t exactly know what it was but something inside me told me to stop. So I did. I sat next to the man and looked at him. He looked familiar- that feeling you get that you’ve met this person before but can’t quite place it. He then looked at me. I tried to say hello but nothing seemed to come out. So I sat there; we sat there.

Silence. And then:

“It’s cold out here, isn’t it?” he said to me with what I can only assume was his best smile.

“Yes, it is, but you don’t seem cold, sir” I said.

“I’m not. I’m happy, I’m content. I've lived a very long time and I’ve seen colder days. I’m glad you chose to walk by this bench today. And I think it was important that you stopped.”

I didn’t want to be rude, so I decided to continue my conversation with this man. Although I thought he was a little peculiar, something told me to stay a little longer.

“I have lived a long time. I am old and I envy your youth, but my life was well spent. I married. I had kids. And my kids’ had kids. I provided for my family. I laughed. I danced. I cried. I witnessed death and witnessed life. I saw seasons come and seasons go. I am old now, but I am happy. My life mattered,” he said.

“That’s good,” I said, but I knew he had more to say.

“I hope that when you are my age you can sit on a bench and say your life mattered, because that’s all that really matters. And I hope that you make a difference in someone’s life. I hope that people remember you when you’re gone. And I hope they talk about you often. That’s what counts. Because when you become my age the materialistic goals you work so hard for will no longer matter.”

“I hope so too, sir,” I said awkwardly. “I hope I can make a difference and I hope people remember me. I want to live a life that matters.”

“Son, you are living a life that matters. You stopped to talk to me, didn’t you?” said the old man.

“Yes, but--” I said.

He continued, “You didn’t have to stop. You could have run right past me, but you didn’t. You stopped and you talked to this old man on this bench on a cold winter day. And that has made all the difference in the world. You stopped because your heart is big and you knew that you should stop. Something told you to stop.”

And then this old man, weathered by life, with the tattered clothes, and the familiar eyes said something I will never forget.

He said, “If you hadn’t stopped then we wouldn’t have gotten the chance to talk today. You don’t remember me, but I remember you. I held you when you were young and there were a lot of things I never got to tell you. We never got the chance to talk like we are talking now. But today you stopped, and that mattered, because now I can say this…

Hello, Derek. My name is Norman. Norman Stafford. I am your grandfather. It’s nice to meet you.”