Warning! Contents are Hot!

I have done some stupid things in my life. Childish things. Silly things. I’ve made mistakes. I’m human. We’ve all done stupid things in our lives. Poor choices. Bad decisions. We’ve all been there. Well, I’ve done it again.

July 20, 2010 will now be called Derek and Mike’s Firecracker Day.

How it began...

About a week ago my buddy Mike called me and told me about this Firecracker Burger that’s served at a restaurant at the new Aria Hotel. He said it’s insanely hot. Ridiculously hot. Well, I love spicy food. Love it! I go through Tapatio hot sauce like it’s nobody’s business. Mike also loves things hot. One of the many things we have in common. I guess that explains why we’ve been best friends for 15 years.

I’m now questioning the friendship. If Michael had never made that phone call I would have never know about this death trap, ulcer creating, inferno burger. And what’s funny about the whole thing is that Mike knew that once he told me about it I would want to go try it. He knows me that well.

So, yesterday we decided to do it. Why you ask? Because we’re stupid. There was no big prize, no discount, no t-shirt, no bet on the line, no dares. We did it because we wanted to say we did it. That's all. Man Pride baby!

To give you an idea about the burger… the meat is grounded together with a Bhut Jolokia Pepper (Ghost Pepper). It’s considered the hottest pepper in the world. It makes the Habanero pepper look like a cucumber. Warnings come with this pepper when it’s sold and it’s very hard to find. It is not for old people, pregnant women, or kids. Actually, it shouldn’t be for anyone. One pepper could probably spice up enough chili to serve the entire U.S. If you go on Youtube and type in “ghost pepper” you’ll see how much pain this thing can cause. Well, that’s what we were dealing with on this burger.

Mike and I ordered the burgers and lots of water and milk. I was so nervous about the burger coming my palms actually started sweating. Seriously, I was scared. Mike didn’t look very confident either. The burgers came on red plates. We asked the waitress about this and she said it’s so no one accidentally takes a bite of the burger by mistake. It’s the only entrée in the restaurant served on a red plate. Pray for me. The waitress said the last guy that tried it ate half the burger and then threw up. Another guy ate a couple bites and was dry heaving 12 hours later! The last thing the waitress said was what scared me most. She said that you have to eat the thing fast because the pepper gets hotter as time goes on. Basically, it’s not a burger you can enjoy for 20 minutes. The heat gets hotter as the minutes go by. I thought that strange, but I knew exactly what she was talking about when I was in the fetal position 6 hours later.

We took pictures of the burger, stared at the burger, introduced ourselves to what was surely going to be an eating experience we would never forget. The spice from the burger actually made me sweat without even biting into it. That’s not an exaggeration.

I took the first bite. Holy LAVA! Hot is not even a word worthy enough to describe this thing. Immediate sweat. Next bite wasn’t better. Saliva is dripping all over the place. Toe nails are sweating. Pain all over. PAIN.

Third bite- my mouth is numb, somebody call the paramedics. More water. Pain. Pain. Pain.

Fourth bite- all I can think about is taking my fork and sticking it into Mike’s eyeball for doing this to me. I hate Mike. But seeing him in pain makes me feel better. I put the fork down.

Fifth bite- the pain is unimaginable, my face is literally going numb. I’m wondering what the article in the paper is going to say about the two local guys who died in the restaurant. I’ll miss my wife. She was right, she's always right. This was a stupid idea.

Sixth bite- not dead yet. I can make it! My nostrils feel like they have curling irons inside of them. The pain is moving to other parts of my body like I swallowed a black widow or something. Waitress! Where's the hotel pool?

Seventh bite- more water. Need more water. Are there coals in my mouth? I’m scared to burp because I don’t want to be responsible for blowing up the restaurant. I am an IDIOT for doing this. I now look like I just left the hotel sauna. My hair hurts. How can hair hurt?

Eighth and final bite- I’m happy I’m finished. My plate is under sweat and floating away. I’m wondering what my family would think if I just jumped off the hotel roof and ended this misery. My mouth is in pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone in the world. The 9 glasses of water and 3 milks aren’t helping one bit. The waitress finds this amusing. I want to choke her. The table next to us thinks it's funny too. I hate all of you.

Well, Mike and I both finished our burgers. We did survive. I can’t speak for Mike but I will never do this again. It feels like I swallowed the sun. As I am writing this blog it has been 19 hours since the Firecracker Incident and I still don’t feel right. I didn’t sleep well and my bathroom visits have been worse than the eating of the burger. My first 2 peepees of the day burned. Honestly, it felt like I was peeing Tabasco sauce. And Heartburn is such a mild term; I would describe it as Heartfire.

My wife has no sympathy for me but why should she? She warned me. I’ve always tried to keep my blogs classy and PG so I will not describe any more what has gone on behind the ‘bathroom’ doors but if you want more details I’m always a phone call away. And if you ever want to try this burger I will buy it for you if you can finish it. That's a promise.

As for Mike, we’ve spoken a few times since The Incident. He’s hurting. He texted me last night and at one point he was on his hands and knees from the burning pain in his body. I told him that as long as he was down there he should just ask the Lord to end it all so he wouldn't have to endure anymore pain. Well, he called me this morning so I know he survived the night.

And that, in a nutshell, is Derek and Mike’s Firecracker Day. It was bad. Very Bad. But we did it. And no one can take that away from us. Here’s to Mike, the only friend in the world that would do this with me. I hate you.

Until Next Time, keep it spicy…