Tacos at JB? Fries at DelTaco? Sandwiches with No Buns?!?

It's funny, when I was a kid I hated mustard. Now I love it. If it was appropriate it to put it on cereal I probably would. It's funny how our taste buds change over time. Or sometimes just change. Who really knows why? Is it because of our partners?... I didn't like mustard until I met my wife. Now I like it. I wasn't a fan of kettel corn or of onions until I met my wife. They're both enjoyable to me now. My wife also introduced me to Chick-Fil-A and Whattburger. Amen!

And I'd like to say that my wife really does like jalapenos and pepperoncinis now because of me. I could put those two things on anything! And I don't think my wife tried tabasco in her popcorn until I came into her life. I like things spicy!

I'm not really a picky eater either. I'll eat anything. I prefer- or like- certain foods but there's no food I really don't like and I'm not one of those people that orders things plain or takes off the olives and tomatos. Honestly, those types of people kind of annoy me but hey, to each his own.

The other day I went to McDonald's. I don't go there often but I just had to get some nuggets. Man, McD's Coke is the best. When I was a kid there was nothing better than the Coke from McDonald's and a thick straw to streamline the sugar into my veins. For whatever reason though, the Diet Coke at McD's is horrendous. It tastes absolutely awful. Why is that?

Other food delicacies and randomness....

I love the pickles at Port of Subs. Very sandwhich friendly. They're sliced thin and longways. Perfection. No one else does it like that. Instead we get the little ones that fall out on our tray and then we eat them individually for dessert after the sandwhich. Well at least that's what I do.

I do not like Starbucks coffee. But I love coffee! People that know me know that I love coffee. I'll drink it 24/7 to if I damn well please. And I'm not a picky coffee drinker either. I drink it black. But something about Starbucks coffee makes me cringe.

Arby's is friggin amazing. How come that franchise isn't huge like McDonalds or Wendys? Arby sauce is the the absolute greatest thing ever on a roast beef sandwhich? And their ham sandwhich is nothing to throw out of bed either.

Del Taco makes an excellent burger, and they serve fries with tacos? Um, can we all agree- genius!

Whattaburger is awesome. I'd like for them to be out west. More importantly, in Las Vegas.

Jack in the Box is not topping the charts on quality. But they have an exellent marketing company and I think that's why they do so well. Ever have a taco at J in the B? They're 2 for 99 cents. They've probably been 2/99 cents since Reagen was in office. They basically deep fry these things. They look atrocious, smell funny, have a full slice of cheese in them, and you can literally see through the shell because of the grease. And yet? I love them. You know what else is good at J in the Box? There Ranch dressing. Weird, huh? I'm not even sure why they have it.

Wendy's has the best Spicy Chicken Sandwich ever! Seriously. I even told my wife I think it's better than Chick-Fil-A. It's that good. Wendy's also puts about 2 lbs. of salt in every to-go order. Why? It's Wendy's, not Salty's.

Taco Bell does the same thing but with hot sauce. If you ask for hot sauce they literally give you a separate bag for it. I think the first week they were open people must have been like: "Uh, yeah, hi, can I get 3 crunchy tacos and 64 hot sauces. Thanks." And ever since then the management just figured you needed to give out a dozen sauce packets per taco to keep them coming back....Next time your at TB ask for hot sauce. Heck, ask for hot and mild sauce. See how many you get. If you use all of the sauce they give you then I guarantee your next trip to the bathroom will burn.


Diet Dr. Pepper vs. Diet Mountian Dew. Who wins? So delicious. Tie.

Bloody Marys vs. Mimosas on a Sunday afternoon. Who wins? Tie. They're both awesome and you should drink them both. Simultaneously.

Gordon Biersch Garlic Fries. Ever try these? Seriously, they're good, but trying to get that taste out of your mouth is like trying to get that 3 dollar Cigar taste out of your mouth. Seriously, I'll wake up the next day from eating them and can still taste garlic in my mouth. I order my fries plain now when I'm at GB. Cole Martin doesn't though- he loves those things!

Ever been to Wienerschnitzel? I think you can get 8 hot dogs for like a quarter! Not worth it. Keep your quarter.

Carl's Jr? They're building one near my house. A few years back they had the Rodeo Burger. I swear to God this was what came on it: 1/2 pound of meat, mayonaise, ranch dressing, bacon, an onion ring, BBQ sauce, and 3 slices of cheese. I would have loved to been in the corporate office when that was in the works.... "Ok, now lets put our heads together guys...let's create thee most unhealthy, high caloric, sandwich in the world! I'm talking 5-6000 calories for one burger. Any ideas?" And so the Rodeo Burger was born. Get yours today.

Subway now has pizza. Notice they don't advertise it though. It would interfere with those god awful Jared/healthy lifestyle/5 dollar footlong ads they ram down our throats.

Have you seen the new KFC sandwhich? That things laughable. Screw bread. Let's just use fried chicken for bread and throw some bacon, cheese- 2 slices, and some high calorie special sauce on it. Double-Down!

Ok, this has been too much talk of food. You hungry yet? Where's the beef? I'm lovin' it. Makin' it great!

Teachin' Lessons.... TTRRRAAAAIINNNN!!!

Yo-

Ok, most of my blogs aren't about my profession. Most people that know me know that I'm a teacher and a coach. It's a glamorous life, let me tell ya. Ha ha. Ok, yesterday I was on my way home from a summemr baseball game. Yes, my regular season is over but now we have Summer Ball (American Legion). My wife asked me the other day: Ok, so when do you not have baseball? Really, it was a good question, because baseball is literally year-round. August is the only month I really don't have baseball. September-February I'm out of season but we do weights, intramurals, practices, etc. Then it's right into the season and then Legion ball.

So anyway, back to what I wanted to write about....

Yesterday, I was on my home from a baseball game. I was driving on an open road surrounded by desert, near a residential area. It was light out, but darkness was 30 minutes away. 7:15ish. As I'm driving I see a couple high school aged kids on the side of the road. They looked out of place and up to No good. I've seen it before since I teach this age group. As I get closer to these knuckleheads I see they have a rope attached to something that resembled a rock. It wasn't a rock but I think it was supposed to look like a rock. I basically think it was a gray cardboard box. I could see what they were trying to do from a mile away. They were trying to mess with cars coming by. Very dangerous, juvenile, stupid, ignorant, illegal, etc.

So as I approach they have their rope-rock contraption out in the road. As I drive by they pull their rope, nothing happens, pretty stupid. I could have just gone right on by and went to Port of Subs. It was a long day and I was tired and hungry and wanted to see my wife. Yes, that's what I could have done. Nahhh. I wanted to teach these kids a lesson!

So... I slammed on my brakes, jumped out of the car and grabbed a golf club I had in the bed of my truck (I'm golfing next week so I had clubs in the back that I borrowed from my buddy). I literally did this move in 3.6 seconds. It looked psycho I'm sure. I yelled at the kids and had the club over my head like a lunatic. I started a Freddy Kruger-like march at them. The kids were scared s!#$less and I stopped about 20 feet away from them and stared at them. After they wet their little pants and I made them experience complete fright, I acted like I was calling someone as I continued my stare (maybe the police?). I then got back in my truck and did a donut in the desert and started driving my truck slowly at them. This is when full on panic set in and the two boys started on a dead sprint (like the train scene from 'Stand By Me'- see... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DdLH75GKkc) towards the residential area 300 yards away at the end of the desert. I wasn't going to run them over but they didn't know that. After all I had taken it this far so who knows what I was capable of doing? Maybe I was going to beat them to death Tiger Woods style or run them over.

Unfortunately for the hooligans the desert they were running in led to a wall- nowhere to go. I stopped my truck and stared at them for a full 2 minutes. They looked at me, I looked at them. They looked at each other, probably thinking this rope-rock thing was not a good idea. Well, my stomach growled and I was pretty convinced the boys got the message.... So, I honked my horn, turned around and drove away. I looked in my rear-view and waved good bye to the boys. They didn't move until I was out of sight. It WAS awesome!

Bachelor vs. Real Life

Why do I watch The Bachelorette (or The Bachelor for that matter)? Why do I go back to watching it every season? I hate the show's premise, and I can't stand the bachelorette this season. (She's so blah!) They say the same stuff every season. Basically it's a show about finding a spouse. Mind you, it starts with one hopeful cheese ball- ballette- and 25 strangers. 6 weeks, a couple steamy dates and a few roses, and presto- a happy and long marriage! And now after 12 seasons of this crap and only 1 successful marriage from it, you'd think the producers would be like "hmmm, maybe this isn't the way true love is found?"

They put an enormous amount of pressure on these people to get married. The last show is the big "proposal" episode. It's like witnessing a car accident. You don't want to watch it, you know it's going to be bad, but you just have to watch. It's sad because after every season it's pretty obvious it's not going to work out. It rarely does. But that's Hollywood, that's TV.

After watching yet another opening premiere of this show the other night a few things came to mind.... I'm glad to say I met my wife at a bar in Las Vegas and not on an island in Tahiti. And I'm glad we went on dates to RedRobin and Wendy's rather than ropelling down a mountain into a secret island where there's a secret pool covered in roses and violins serenading us while we akwardly say to each other: "I'm so glad you're here with me. I feel that this is love. My heart is smiling for you. Your eyes are gorgeous."

Now, my wife might say "Hey, why don't we do that? Why don't we go on helicopter rides while sipping champagne?"
And I'd say "Darling, that's not real life but I love you!"

Real life is: waking up in an Iron Maiden T-shirt with your beautiful wife next to you, smiling, then roling over and bam!--your 80 pound dog is licking you. Real life is eating taco bell at 1 in the morning after the bar. Real life is cleaning your house. Real life is happy hours with your friends. Real life is watching reality TV shows on a Tuesday night. Real life is mowing your lawn while your wife trims the lawn with hand scissors. Real life is vacumming dog hair and being amazed at how much hair is actually on a dog. Real life is drinking wine out of a plastic cup, taking a nap, and morning smoochers. Real life is looking for tickets on craigslist and surprising your wife with them. Real life is being happy with your wife while doing nothing of importance.

I'm no bachelor, and I don't hand out roses to my wife at a ceremony at the end of the day, because after all, this is Real Life....

From Inside the Actors Studio with Dana Heathcott...

Ok, this is an all-Dana “Strike Hard-Strike Fast, Go Rattlers!” Heathcott blog. I will be the interviewer (consider me James Lipton of ‘Inside the Actors Studio) and my wife will act as Dana. This could be our best blog, and finest moment yet:

Good Evening Ms. Heathcott and thank you for coming…

JL: Tell me about your upbringing.

Ms. Heathcott: I was raised in a small town. It was a small town when I was a young blonde girl and it still is. The men are sexy and the sheep are sexier. I am the middle child of three. My parents are old but they did a great job raising us. My little brother knocked up a girl when he was younger. I didn’t get knocked up. I win. We were and still are a redneck family. We like floatin’ rivers, drinkin’ beer and drinkin’ beer!

JL: What was your first boyfriend like?

Ms. Heathcott: Disgusting. Ugly. Unattractive. Unfortunately I dated him for 2 years. When I look at old pictures I puke a little in my mouth. There were several sexy black guys I went to high school with and I wish I was in to dark meat back then. Oh well, at least he didn’t knock my goods up.

JL: Tell me about one of your first jobs.

Ms. Heathcott: My first job was working selling turkey legs at a Renaissance Festival. I had to wear a ridiculous costume. My boobs looked nice in the outfit but my British accent was dreadful… “Feast thine eyes on thy juicy breasts!”
Since I had food service experience as a chicken leg girl, I landed a sweet job working the snack stand (or “Snack Avenue”) at Target. But I got canned for giving away French fries to employees. I wish I would have known the consequences of being fry friendly to others…

JL: Tell me about VegasFest.

Ms. Heathcott: Tilt! Get me a tilt! Well Vegasfest is a fun time of drunken madness. It takes place In Las Vegas. My friends and I drink way too much, slur our speech, eat awful food, swear, smoke and basically throw caution to the wind. It’s a great time and I wlll soon be taking part in Vegasfest again in July.

JL: Let’s talk about the first time you tried tequila.

Ms. Heathcott: Oh wow. Well that was a mistake. It was New Year’s Eve, 2004. I was out with some girlfriends that made tequila sound like the new Jaeger Bomb. After throwing a couple back (and throwing them back up at the bar), I was sent home in a cab by myself at 9:30pm. Happy New Year!

JL: Who is Sylvia?

Ms. Heathcott: Sylvia is my bitchy alter-ego that comes out with the presence of one or more of the following: alcohol, travel and/or Cole Martin. She is not friendly and quite evil but she lies deep within me and can come alive at anytime!

JL: Tell me about the “Shit in a Box” story. Please.

Ms. Heathcott (laughs of embarrassment): Ok. I once was at a lame party and I had way too much to drink. Probably the most drunk I’ve ever been. I kind of blacked out. Well the next day it was brought to my attention that someone took a shit in a box and left it in the pantry. And…

JL: And…? It was you?

Ms. Heathcott: YES. It was a shitty night. Literally and figuratively speaking.

JL: Please clarify the time it looked like you fell face first on the asphalt and appeared to have road rash on your chin.

Ms. Heathcott: Well I made out with this guy in Dallas Texas. He was kinda cute but he had some facial hair going on. He looked sort of like ‘Shaggy’ from Scooby Doo. Anyway, we were doing some serious hardcore middle school making out and his facial hair created some serious road rage on my face.

JL: Thank you for sharing with us tonight Ms. Heathcott. You have had quite the dangerous life. Your thirty years on this Earth have been, well, memorable. We wish you the best.

Ms. Heathcott: Mangy?!?!? I’m not mangy!

JL: I never said you were. Good night Ms. Heathcott.

P-Tart Fix!!!

Have you ever had a Pop Tart? Maybe it's been a few years or maybe it was a lifetime ago when you had one. Or maybe you're like me and never really cared for them. I'm more of a toaster strudel guy myself...

I sell these things (Pop Tarts- PT) in my classroom to raise funds for my baseball program. Honestly, I can't stomach them. Never have liked them. They're like crackers with guey processed preserves in them. Luckily I sell water too because when you eat a PT your mouth becomes an instant desert. They are awful. I've tried them toasted too- doesn't help.

I sell them for a buck and kids from all over the school know this. Hell, I even think kids that have graduated already and kids from different schools know I sell them. Before every class period they come from miles away for their PT fix. You'd think I was selling a hardcore narcotic. Some kids look like they have a serious addicition.... "I need a Pop Tart Mr. S!"... "Feed Me!"... "I'm starvin'!"... "You got the Tarts?!"...."I need a strawberry, I need a brown sugar!"... "Get me a PT ASAP!"....

Some kids don't even specify the flavor they want- I have a few. They just come in the room, throw the money on the desk, and I know what they want. Some buy 3-4 at a time. Some buy a PT, a fruity snacks (I have other addictions they want), a couple granola bars and a water. Some spend 4-5 bucks a day. Others fight, cheat and steal for the money. Some pay in quarters, dimes and nickels. Some pay with a credit card. No checks here. And never, NEVER, an IOU. This ain't no charity.

So if you need a gross, dry pastry that was invented by Kellog's in the late 1960s then just come to room 728 and I'll take care of that PT fix for ya'. Pop Tarts! Get your pop tarts!

Seattle!

So, I was in Seattle this past weekend. But before that- a shout out to Dana! The beautiful Dana turns 30 this week. Wednesday she hits the big 3-0! And she's still sexy. Drink a Tilt, Dana. Congrats! And a yippee yahooooo to Kelly Carque and her unborn baby. Kelly’s looking delicious ☺ Keep eatin’ those bomb pops!

I went up to the glorious Pacific NW with my little brother Sean and his girlfriend Kayla. They’re a blast and we had a great time. Seattle as a whole was amazing. It lived up to the hype! Kelly and my wife told me all about Seattle and said how awesome it is. And I’ve always heard that this place was right up D’s alley. Oh, it was… This place is famous for coffee, beer, music and fish. Well, considering those are 4 of my favorite things on Earth, this was a great trip. I drank lots of beers from several breweries. The local beer “Manny’s” was my absolute favorite. And I had coffee every morning. I ate Clams and Mussels at a place called “Cutters” and they were to die for! I walked up to that big needle “stratosphere look-a-like” thingy and decided paying 20 dollars to go up wasn’t worth it so I left with a picture. It's ugly.

I absolutely loved the Public Market. It was MY favorite part of the trip. Hundreds of people selling crap no one will ever need for prices that should be illegal... There was an Asian guy selling knives made out of fossils or bones or dinosaur crap for like 100-200 bucks each. There was an obese lady selling beaded necklaces with inspirational quotes like “believe” for way too much money. There was a middle-aged woman who probably took me for way too much cash when she sold me a sterling silver necklace made by her husband in their backyard. Who knows? I bought it and my wife loved it! There was harry, homeless looking people playing music. There were people dancing. People smiling. People taking pictures, people painting. Kids crying, the smell of fish in the air everywhere, coffee brewing, duck tours rollin around, and all sorts of fun. It kind of reminded me of one of those 1970s Coke commercials.

We were able to catch a Seattle Mariners game and that was fun because as bad as the Mariners are, they actually won the game. They are a sad team. I understand now why the Supersonics left town.

It rained all 3 days I was there- loved that! The people were nice, even the homeless people. I met a lady who admitted to me she had a crack habit and that she was going to move to Las Vegas as soon as her parole was up. Not making that up. That was a fun conversation.

Well, the summer is almost here, so I will have more time to blog. Until the next one, thanks for reading girls- and boys.

Code Red! The convicts have escaped...

Ok, it’s Sunday. Lazy day. Sabbath. Lifetime TV. Little wine. Relaxation.

Nope. My wife had to work today. She had to work yesterday. So basically, she doesn’t get a day off this week. My fault- I got her the jobs(s). I need my woman to work! So, today I’m relaxing and watching a very bad Lifetime movie about a man and a woman and an affair and handcuffs. It was bad. But I was hooked!
Erin calls me on the phone and tells me that our neighbor across the street has carpet rolls on her curb. I played off the conversation like it was no thang but really I was excited. All I could think about was an entire garage of carpet. I’d never have to wear shoes in the house ever again! Awesome. So, I got off the phone, ran out the front door, and decided to grab some carpet treasure. I got me a couple rolls and deviously ran back into my home.
I got back on the couch, caught my breath, and took a sip of my Merlot. Victory! Free carpet. Get off my shit. Well, that didn’t last long. As soon as comfort set in, hell broke loose. The wind blew my front door wide open, which reminded my dumb ass that I never shut it completely. I feebly yelled, “Murdy, Molly!” and then panic set in. They were gone. I jumped off the couch like the crack of a pistol and ran out the door. The dogs were gone. You’d think these two were on death row. Murdock and Molly would not be caught. They were off to freedom! I ran around the block and saw the neighbors outside pointing west… “Go west son, the dogs are heading west!” West my ass, I got in the Dodge and started driving. Meanwhile, I got Erin on the phone and gave it the usual- ‘The dogs got out! The dogs got out!” Which really means- "Sh!t! I’m an idiot. I left the door open, the dogs got out, help me..."

So to wrap it up- we got em! I really don’t get it. Our dogs are pampered. They are treated like royalty. And the minute the front door shows daylight they head for the hills. No love, no loyalty. You’d think we starve them and beat them the way they run out on us. Whatever, we don’t need this grief. Next time they run for the hills I’m staying right on the couch.

I'm tired.