Ok, this is an all-Dana “Strike Hard-Strike Fast, Go Rattlers!” Heathcott blog. I will be the interviewer (consider me James Lipton of ‘Inside the Actors Studio) and my wife will act as Dana. This could be our best blog, and finest moment yet:
Good Evening Ms. Heathcott and thank you for coming…
JL: Tell me about your upbringing.
Ms. Heathcott: I was raised in a small town. It was a small town when I was a young blonde girl and it still is. The men are sexy and the sheep are sexier. I am the middle child of three. My parents are old but they did a great job raising us. My little brother knocked up a girl when he was younger. I didn’t get knocked up. I win. We were and still are a redneck family. We like floatin’ rivers, drinkin’ beer and drinkin’ beer!
JL: What was your first boyfriend like?
Ms. Heathcott: Disgusting. Ugly. Unattractive. Unfortunately I dated him for 2 years. When I look at old pictures I puke a little in my mouth. There were several sexy black guys I went to high school with and I wish I was in to dark meat back then. Oh well, at least he didn’t knock my goods up.
JL: Tell me about one of your first jobs.
Ms. Heathcott: My first job was working selling turkey legs at a Renaissance Festival. I had to wear a ridiculous costume. My boobs looked nice in the outfit but my British accent was dreadful… “Feast thine eyes on thy juicy breasts!”
Since I had food service experience as a chicken leg girl, I landed a sweet job working the snack stand (or “Snack Avenue”) at Target. But I got canned for giving away French fries to employees. I wish I would have known the consequences of being fry friendly to others…
JL: Tell me about VegasFest.
Ms. Heathcott: Tilt! Get me a tilt! Well Vegasfest is a fun time of drunken madness. It takes place In Las Vegas. My friends and I drink way too much, slur our speech, eat awful food, swear, smoke and basically throw caution to the wind. It’s a great time and I wlll soon be taking part in Vegasfest again in July.
JL: Let’s talk about the first time you tried tequila.
Ms. Heathcott: Oh wow. Well that was a mistake. It was New Year’s Eve, 2004. I was out with some girlfriends that made tequila sound like the new Jaeger Bomb. After throwing a couple back (and throwing them back up at the bar), I was sent home in a cab by myself at 9:30pm. Happy New Year!
JL: Who is Sylvia?
Ms. Heathcott: Sylvia is my bitchy alter-ego that comes out with the presence of one or more of the following: alcohol, travel and/or Cole Martin. She is not friendly and quite evil but she lies deep within me and can come alive at anytime!
JL: Tell me about the “Shit in a Box” story. Please.
Ms. Heathcott (laughs of embarrassment): Ok. I once was at a lame party and I had way too much to drink. Probably the most drunk I’ve ever been. I kind of blacked out. Well the next day it was brought to my attention that someone took a shit in a box and left it in the pantry. And…
JL: And…? It was you?
Ms. Heathcott: YES. It was a shitty night. Literally and figuratively speaking.
JL: Please clarify the time it looked like you fell face first on the asphalt and appeared to have road rash on your chin.
Ms. Heathcott: Well I made out with this guy in Dallas Texas. He was kinda cute but he had some facial hair going on. He looked sort of like ‘Shaggy’ from Scooby Doo. Anyway, we were doing some serious hardcore middle school making out and his facial hair created some serious road rage on my face.
JL: Thank you for sharing with us tonight Ms. Heathcott. You have had quite the dangerous life. Your thirty years on this Earth have been, well, memorable. We wish you the best.
Ms. Heathcott: Mangy?!?!? I’m not mangy!
JL: I never said you were. Good night Ms. Heathcott.
My name is Cole Martin and you are speaking the truth when it comes to Sylvia.
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