The Joys of Birth- Hold the Booze

One of my best friends in the world- Kelly Carque- is pregnant. Kelly and I have been very good friends for like 6 years now and one thing I can tell you about Kelly is that she has a great sense of humor and is very blunt. She'll tells like it is. Holds nothing back. She is also a good writer. So, I told her I need a blog about pregnancy. Without further ado I would like to introduce to you my guest blogger, Kelly Carque. Please enjoy...

So, you’re having a baby…..

It seems as if immediately after exchanging vows with Chris, people started with the baby nagging. “So, when are you two going to have kids?” It would typically be followed with “OH, you will just love being pregnant”. After hearing this enough, I started to believe it. I now know that these were all lies. Horrible, cruel lies. Let me tell you the truth about being pregnant….and I can guarantee that “beautiful” is not an adjective that I will be using.

You decide to take a pregnancy test. You pee on a stick, and you wait for the results. After waiting the suggested time limit, the test shows that you are, indeed, knocked up. My immediate thoughts were “Oh #!@&*%. I need a beer”. WRONG. The once cure-all for any shocking news is no longer an option. Saying goodbye to Michelob Ultra, margaritas, and wine was much harder than I thought. I never realized that these were like dear friends of mine in every life situation. Bad news in life? Let’s have a few beers. Good news in life? Let’s have some drinks and celebrate! Long day at work? Wine, please! You find out that you will be birthing a child, and you can’t even share the news with your favorite alcoholic buddies. Bummer.
Ironically, the first month or two, I woke up every morning feeling like I had the worst hangover ever. The only difference is that with a real hangover you have funny stories and great memories to justify the way you feel. Not the same with “morning sickness”. You go to bed at like 7pm, because you can’t keep your eyes open long enough to watch 90210 on the CW, sleep for 10 hours, and wake up feeling terrible. Yeah, you’ll really love being pregnant.

After a few more months, and several doctor appointments, you decide it’s time to share the news with the people in your life. I had been waiting for more of the “oh, I love being pregnant” stories from friends that have already become parents. Wrong again. Now that you ARE pregnant, the “worst case scenario” stories are shared. Women all around me started doing the same thing. They would move closer, lower their voices, and say things like “my sister’s neighbor’s cousin had the worst experience ever – the baby was so big that afterwards she had to have over 300 stitches…. You know, (whispering) down there”. Thanks lady, so happy to have heard that story, along with, “well, you can ask for an epidural, but there’s no guarantee that it will work”. Pair those with the good old fashioned “pooping during delivery” personal narratives, and you’re not exactly eager to give birth.

Next up, you get to deal with the physical changes. Have you ever heard of the “pregnancy mask”? If you’re in the sun – at all – your face will change color. Cool, right? Wrong. Luckily it happens where every woman would want it to – on the upper lip. Nothing screams “sexy” like having a dark brown skin stache. Even better news? It may, or MAY NOT, fade after you give birth. Excellent! To make it even better, you can get it on your cheeks, and on your forehead! I was told “Kelly, you look like you just came from Ash Wednesday”. Wow, thanks for the compliment! I sure feel pretty!! Combine your miscolored face with the weight gain, the swollen feet, cankles, and the general feeling of being uncomfortable. Yup, pregnancy sure is a glamorous thing.

There have been a few things that I have learned throughout the past 8 months. Everyone that has ever had a child seems to offer advice – whether you ask for it or not. I’ve learned to smile, nod my head, and every once in a while throw in a “wow, thanks”. Meanwhile, inside my hypercolored head, I’m thinking, “your youngest child is like 27 years old, I think a few things may have changed!”

Besides becoming the ultimate advice taker, I’ve also learned not to ask Chris about how I look. If you know Chris, you may know that he doesn’t always think before he speaks. He’s been known to put his foot into his mouth a few hundred times. Anyways, you wind up having to buy all new clothes because nothing fits anymore. These maternity clothes aren’t always the most fashionable and you wind up being a little more self-conscious about your ever changing body. I made the mistake of asking Chris how I looked. He replied with “you look like a mom”. WHAT?? I think that may be the last thing that any pregnant woman wants to be told. Tell me that I look great, say that I look skinny, tell me that you can hardly notice the 25lbs that I have put on…. Say ANYTHING besides “you look like a mom”. I only made this mistake one more time. Sadly enough, I’m 8 months pregnant during swimsuit season. If you want to experience something depressing, make sure that you’re humongous during the summer. Anyways, as I unveiled my one piece maternity suit to my ever-loving husband, I made a statement that I felt like a hippopotamus. I made a statement. I wasn’t looking for any feedback or personal opinions. But again, if you know Chris….. he replied to me with, “well, you have better teeth”. Luckily I still had my sense of humor that day.
As far as I’m concerned right now, this will be an only child. You will not see us on TLC as “The Carque’s, sixteen kids and counting”. I can’t imagine saying “Man, I can’t wait to get pregnant again”. Right now I’m focusing on the next 6 weeks flying by, getting the delivery over with, meeting our new baby (who hopefully will not look like a troll), and reuniting with some of my alcohol buddies. Who knows, maybe I’ll even have an attitude adjustment and start telling people how much I loved being pregnant…but, I doubt it. The baby is due August 12th, and the margarita’s are due on the 13th.