Life.....

I came across this in an email. It's worth a read.

It was written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

    "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written"


    1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.


    2.. When in doubt, just take the next small step.


    3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.


    4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick.  Your friends and parents will.  Stay in touch.


    5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

    6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

    7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

    8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

    9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

    10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

    11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

    12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

    13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

    14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

    15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.  But don't  worry; God never blinks.
 
    16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

    17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

    18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

    19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

    20. When it comes to going after what you love in life,  don't take no for an answer.

    21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.  Don't save it for a special occasion.            Today is special.

    22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

    23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

    24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

    25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

    26.. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

    27. Always choose life.

    28. Forgive everyone for everything.

    29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

    30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

    31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

    32 Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

    33. Believe in miracles.

    34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

    35. Don't audit life.. Show up and make the most of it now.

    36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

    37. Your children get only one childhood.

    38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

    39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

    40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

    41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

    42. The best is yet to come....

    43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

    44. Yield.

    45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Fam

For all 5 people (my wife Erin, Mike, Cole, Dana and the beautiful Margaret!) that read my blog you know that I mostly blog about funny stuff that I come across in my life.  Pretty soon I need to blog about Jersey Shore because there’s so much material there.   Give me time, I will.  But today I wanted to blog about family.  A couple weeks ago my little sister gave birth to a boy.  So this makes me an Uncle.  Pretty cool!  Uncle D!  I think I’ll make a good Uncle, although I’m not sure what that entails. Fat checks in birthday cards is a good start, so I’ll make sure I do that. 
I come from a really good family.  We’re not perfect but Idon’t think any family is.  My dad is a wonderful guy who is a great example of a human being.  When God made fathers I think he was shooting for guys like my old man. My step-mom is a lovely lady too. A very strong woman who does so much for our family that it makes me very happy that she’s in my life. 
My brother Jud is a genius.  He knows everything about everything.  He could talk to a stranger about popsicles for 2 hours. He’s a year younger than me but much smarter.  I don’t think we look alike at all but that’s OK. He’s one of my best friends and I’m so glad we’re close because not all brothers are.  We have the best younger brother in Sean (Seanie, pronounced ‘shonny’).  He’s short but other than that he’s a perfect specimen.  Jud and I have bad teeth. Sean’s are white, straight and perfect.  Jud and I have brown eyes, of course Sean’s are as blue as the ocean.  Jud and I have round faces. Sean has a chiseled jaw-line. Jud and I are soft around the belly. Sean has a 29” waist.  And as good looking as he is, he’s an even better person.  He’s got a big heart and is an awesome young man. My little sister, Arielle (the new mommy), will always be a princess in my eyes.  I remember when she was a baby.  She was so damn cute. She still is.  I don’t get to see her as often as I’d like but I love her just the same.  Amy is the youngest and she’s a sweetie.  I think she sometimes thinks I don’t care about her but it’s not true. She’s a great girl.  Calvinis my step-brother.  He takes “smart” to a whole new level.  He goes to George Washington and he’ll most likely graduate at the top of his class.  He’ll be very successful in whatever he pursues and I just hope he remembers me. He’s a great young man with a bright future. 

So that’s my immediate family.  My in-laws- and I’m not just saying this- are awesome as well! My wife is an incredible lady. Beautiful, tall, skinny, great sense of humor (seriously, she’s funny), perfect teeth, likes sports, likes betting, etc. I mean, I really lucked out.  The only thing I need from her to complete the 'perfect wife' is to get her to join a Fantasy Football League, ha ha. But I have to attribute some of this to where she comes from.  Her parents did a wonderful job!  She’sawesome!

Well, this blog was a little different from my normal ones. I'll get back to funny next time. Until then I leave you with this recomendation: look up the song "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnificent Zeros. You'll love it!

TAP OUT!

Well, I’m watching the NFC Championship and my wife says to me, “I’m going to pick out a picture and you should blog about it.” I mean, that’s a lot of pressure. I’ve only been blogging for like a month. Some blogs are OK, some are funny, some are boring. I guess as long as I’m keeping my Texas followers satisfied that’s all that matters. Well, here goes.

You see the picture? This is what I remember...

This picture was taken at a bar called “TAPS” in Aberdeen, South Dakota. It was in the summer at my good friend Mike Bauder’s wedding. This glorious establishment was inside of our hotel. And thank goodness for that because by the time I “tapped out” I was in no condition to do anything but pee and then go to bed. And luckily I did the pee part before the sleep part.

Ok, Mike’s brother Chris (the porn star looking guy with the mustache and knuckle tattoos) and I decided that we needed to try the bar challenge. The challenge- your table has to drink 1,000 ounces of beer in one sitting. If you do this they pay for your bar tab, give you free food for a month, these really cool T-shirts and $100 cash for your table. Actually, that’s a lie. You get your picture up on the wall, a bloated bladder, a headache, a hangover and a very large bar tab- tip not included, thank you very much. That’s it.

Well, we decided to try it. Not one of my better life decisions. Why, you ask? First off, we all had been drinking that afternoon before trying this. We weren’t ready for this type of shenanigans. Secondly, I’m 30 years old, not 19. And most importantly…I had to drive 300 miles the next morning to catch a flight back home. Not a smart idea. But who could resist a challenge like this? Not me. Certainly, not me. Bring on the challenge.

In the picture of our celebration you see 8 happy, inebriated, accomplished beer-guzzling champions. Don’t let that fool you. Really, it was only me, Erin, Chris and his girlfriend Rachel doing the majority of the drinking. 8 people would have been smart to take on this venture but we really only had 4 people doing this. The others in the picture are the wedding boy Mike (nice ‘DARE’ shirt dude- are you 9?), his 2 sisters Kayla and Courtney, and Courtney’s boyfriend Andy (bald-headed guy- he helped for the home stretch).

Of course, I’m giving a peace sign. What am I ‘peacing’? I’m a nerd. How am I married?

Again, 1000 ounces!

I would venture to say that 800 of the ounces were consumed by the 4 major players. The other 4 probably consumed 200 of the 1,000. Yeah, thanks. Where were they when we were at 175 ounces and already drunk?

Let's stop for a moment and do the math. 200 ounces each for the MP’s (major players). And 2 of these were girls. So, that’s like sixteen 12 ounce beers each after a day where we were already drinking. Not bad, huh? Honestly, I don’t think any of us look that bad in the picture. Well, we should have taken a picture at 8:00 the next morning and had them put that on the wall as a warning to other patrons- NEVER EVER TRY THIS or you may look like this tomorrow morning.

All in all, our trip to South Dakota was great. This picture hangs at the “Taps” bar to this day. I don’t really like to brag about drinking exploits (I mean why? Who cares?) but this was quite the feat. Erin and I made it to the airport the next day, caught our flight, and made it home safely. I’m not sure if I’ll ever make it back to Aberdeen but this place will always have a place in my heart.

1,000 ounces. We did it. And no one can ever take that away from us.

Cheers.

Happy Birthday Mags!

This blog is dedicated to Margaret aka “Mags!” who recently turned the big 3-0! She’s thirty! I got the chance to talk with Mags yesterday and she said she followed my blog. I almost teared up. When I get wind of a new blog follower I get all tingly inside like how I feel when a new season of The Bachelor is premiering.

Actually, now that I think about it, I have more Texas-based followers than I do Vegas followers. Maybe I do need to move to Texas. Cole “delicious“ Martin and Dana “stay golden” Heathcott are also true followers. I love them. These 3 people are very good friends of mine. I married into their friendship but these people are so awesome that had I not met Erin before them then perhaps it would be Margaret Stafford or Dana Mangy Stafford or Derek Martin. I mean, who knows?

Well, every October they come out to Vegas, and it’s a celebration known as VegasFest. By marrying Erin, also a Texan, I married into VegasFest. So, I am a proud member, but not a founding member. I try my best though.

VegasFest is a Tilt-Induced weekend of craziness, sloppiness, poor eating, neighbor cop calling and debauchery. (Side note: Tilt is a flavored malt liquor that tastes like orange or lime soda and beer mixed together) By drinking this miracle drink you are guaranteed the following things in no particular order- a strong buzz, heart-burn, heart-palpitations, gas, a hangover, a great time, and your night will probably end at Sonic Burger. And while driving home from Sonic Burger you might find yourself singing the theme song to “Who’s the Boss?” If those are things you want in your night- or your life- then please go get yourself a Tilt. Mags likes the orange, Erin likes the green. Cole doesn’t care, Dana doesn’t either. I just like ‘em cold.

Me and Mags- sorry Mags- never seem to have the same energy level as Dana and Cole and Erin. I will never forget 3 VegasFests ago when I woke up in my bed, alone. I was dreaming of Kelly Kapowski or something like that, and I wondered where everyone was? Well, I went to check the scene and Margaret was asleep on the living room air mattress. Probably nursing her soon to be hangover. Dana, Cole, Erin , and our friend James were telling jokes, throwing empty beer bottles in the pool, blasting Maroon 5, and dancing on the diving board.

Just last year, the exact repeat happened. I woke up, made my way outside, and it was a sight. Dana, Cole, Mags, my lovely wife, and James (who just got off his graveyard shift) were drinking beers and smoking cigarettes. They were swearing, slurring, laughing and having what seemed like the time of their lives! Unfortunately, it was 8:00 in the morning. Some people would consider this a problem. But who was I to judge? I cracked open a cold one and started making omelets.

I also remember the time Cole turned into Roger Miller before my very eyes at the Ellis Island. Maybe I should start calling Cole, Cole "king of the road" Martin.

Well anyway, here’s to Mags- and Cole and “Mangy” Dana! I’m having a Tilt for you guys and I can’t wait til our next VegasFest.

Until then sing with me:

Thank you for being a friend 
Traveled down the road and back again 
Your heart is true your a pal and a confidant. 

And if you through a party 
Invited everyone you ever knew 
You would see the biggest gift would be from me 
And the card attached would say thank you for being a friend.


Hoarders....Keepin Krap

Have you seen this new show on A&E called Hoarders? Well, if you haven't, then check it out immediately! It's crazy. Basically, it's a show about real people who hoard things. They simply cant throw away anything! Now, I'm not talking about a little extra crap around the house. I'm not talking about too many cans in the pantry. These poor people take it to a whole new level. Tons and tons of crap- EVERYWHERE! It's disgusting, disturbing, filthy but most of all- sad. These people have a mental disorder that won't let them throw away a cup of yogurt from 1991. Oh man. I was watching it this morning and this lady, and I quote, said "I don't see why I have to throw away my old sour cream? I mean, it's already sour, so what's going to happen to it?" I swear I am not making this up. This same lady had 3 pieces of duct tape on her freezer door. Why, you ask? So she could tape her door shut because it was loaded with so much crap! She had meat in there that came from a butcher who probably retired in the 80's. There was another episode where this old man had collected like 200+ cars. He even had an old school bus in his collection. Really, dude? Did any of these cars work? Of course not. He was saving them so he could get money from the junk metal and his plan was to give the money to his grand kids. It was so sad when they finally told him he had to clean up his crap. He started crying. So did I.

Anyway, you should check this show out. I am not exaggerating. It's truly unbelievable. These people are truly suffering. I thought my wife was bad for saving some of the stuff she does (power bill receipts from when she was in college, empty shoe boxes, old 'losing' sports bet tickets, clothes that don't fit, etc.) but after seeing this show I realize my wife doesn't have a problem. Well, not yet anyway :) I mean, I guess hoarders started somewhere!

Mac Wrap

Wow, what a boring weekend of playoff football. I can't remember ever seeing such boring games throughout the playoffs. With the exception of last week's GB v. Arizona game this year's NFL playoffs have been awful. No excitement, no overtimes, no fun! Oh well, what can you do? I like the Colts vs. Saints in the Super Bowl but don't bet on that. I went 1-3 this weekend in my own bets. I suck.

My buddy Mike texted me today and asked me if I had come across the new McDonald's commercials advertising this new Mac Wrap. Only a buck and some change! Hurry! I told him, yes, of course I've seen the ads because I'm not blind and deaf and they run at nauseum every hour of the day. I wonder how much McD's spends in ads per year? If it was in the billions it wouldn't surprise me. And with the thousands of commercials that McD's runs per year I can't ever remember liking one, thinking one was funny, or seeing their food and thinking how delicious it is, because it isn't. It's terrible. McDonald's ad dollars don't work on me. They might as well take the money allotted for me and give it to Budweiser because the only time McDonald's sounds good to me is when I'm drunk from too many Bud Lights. I mean really the only thing you are guaranteed of in a McDonald's commercial is that there will be one black person, one hispanic, an asian, a corny white kid and half of them will be females. And everyone in the commercial is skinny and when they're eating the food it looks like they're eating little pieces of heaven. Makes you sick, huh? McD's doesn't dare offend any race, religion or sex. Oh no!

Just one time I wish they would put 'actual' customers in their spots. That would be so awesome! I mean, you wouldn't want to see a 300+ pound lady eating a 10 piece nugget for an appetizer, then having a double QPer with a side of fries for her entree, while washing it down with 40 ounces of Coke? That wouldn't make you hungry?!

Well their new baby is the Mac Wrap. The genius gourmet chefs at McD's are insulting Americans by saying, "Hey, you guys are dumb! We're going to take the ingredients of a Big Mac, dice it up a bit, and replace the bun with a tortilla. We're going to call it healthy, delicious, and most importantly- a wrap! We're going to price it under 2 bucks and everyone who eats this fast food miracle will be so happy! And since we've called it a wrap we firmly believe that you, the stupid consumer, will think it's healthy. Now, never mind the burger patty in it is loaded in sodium and grease. Never mind the yellow Mac sauce that's in it is probably about 400 calories. Just remember- It's a 'wrap'. It's very good. And cheap. Eat it!" I wonder if they're catering to health nuts or mexican people? Or maybe McD's is catering to both and that's the genius behind this stupid food creation?

In any case, I'm still hoping Mickey D's will bring back the McPizza. They had it when I was a kid and it was delicious. It was like a 5" pizza. And like with all McD's food they added a "Mc" to it and voila! it's a McPizza. Anyhoo, it was good.

Until then, I'll have to be thankful that the McRib is back. Hopefully, it's here to stay. It's pretty good.

I'm lovin' it.....

Medium Ice Cream, Please....

The other day I was at a Cold Stone. That's an ice cream place not a wonder of the world (although my wife may consider it a wonder of the world). They take two spachelas and mooosh up your ice cream and choice of toppings on a 'cold stone' and over charge you for it. Creative, I guess. But, just like everything in our society, we can't just call this place what it is.... an Ice Cream Shop.

Anyway, I ordered a shake and the kid that took my order asked me what size. Instead of saying.. "small, medium or large" he pointed behind his shoulder (looking almost ahamed of himself) to a red and brown sign that was supposed to be my choices of sizes. Dear Lord, here we go again with this nonsense of having these dumb ass names for things. Instead of Small it was "like it" and instead of Medium it was "Love it" and instead of Large I believe it was "Gotta have it!" Now, I refuse to order like that. Never in a million years should any self-respecting male ever say: "um, yes, may I please have a Gotta Have It Chocolate Sundae and a Love It Strawberry Shake. Thank you." I mean you might as well hand over your manhood while you're there and grab an apron and jump behind the counter and start your career at CS.

Until the day I die I will never order a 'King Size' fries or a 'Venti' coffee and you won't hear me say 'Super Big Gulp' either because it's a large cup of Coke (I say "coke" for soda- sue me). I actually think it offends peope at Starbucks when you say "I'll have a large, black coffee". I mean they almost seem offended and put out by that normal people jargon. Try it next time you're at Starbucks. Order a medium coffee with cream and I'll bet you the house they don't yell "medium coffee with cream" to the kid in the back making the coffee....

South of the Border

Have you seen the new Taco Bell commercial? I'm sure you have because like most national spots for big companies it gets played at nauseum like a ka-billion times and it's hard to miss unless you're Amish and don't have a TV.

For example, how annoying are those Free Credit Report commercials? You know, the ones where that shaggy-haired moron is singing how his credit is whack and then free credit report. com helped him or whatever. So bad.

Anyway, the new Taco Bell (TB) commercial I'm talking about is where that mid 30 year old guy comes into a TB and requests to see the girl he ordered this amazing 89 cent cheesy, beefy, glorious burrito the other day. We're supposed to believe that he believes she gave this douche bag the deal and no one else knows about it. Like he got the hook up. Dynamite advertising Taco Bell! I'm sure that will make the top 10 best commercial list of all-time.

Anyway, the thing that makes me laugh- and my wife even noticed this- is have you seen this chick (and the chick in the background) that supposedly works at this Taco Bell? She's beautiful. And so is the girl in the background. I've never in a million years been to a TB and seen the counter girls look like this. Usually, it's, well, let's be honest, an overweight pimply-faced teenage boy. Or the tattooed up, I just got out of the penitentary, this is my first job, I hate my life, ex-convict. Or the 58 year old Indian woman who can't speak a lick of English but keeps smiling at you so you don't get mad at her and throw your Nachos Bell Grande at her. Never have I gone to TB and spent 6 dollars on 8,000 calories of cheese and garbage and given my money to a girl that could have starred in The O.C.

So, next time I want TB and their execs to get an actor that really catches the spirit of a TB employee. I want the actor to be at least 30-40 years of age and really look the part of someone who: really wishes they finished high school, or made better life choices, or employed a work ethic earlier in life, or didn't committ a crime, etc. Basically someone who hates the fact that they're working at a Taco Bell, because that's a TB employee!

Pain Scale

Well, Saturday evening was an interesting night. I got bit on the lip by my buddy's dog. 2 hours in the emergency room and 5 stitches in my lip and I was on my home at 2:00. No Del Taco for me :( I don't have any ill-will towards the dog but this definitely doesn't help our relationship. KC (female mastiff) is an aggressive dog as it is so I shouldn't have gotten too close. She will not have any milk bones in her stocking from Santa in 2010.

When the doctor saw me at 1 a.m. I was pretty bloody and had an ice pack on my lip. He asked me the most asinine question I've ever heard: On a scale from 1-10 what is your pain level? Is this not the stupidest question ever? I mean, really, what do you say to that?

I said well, uh, 6.5. I mean, again, what the heck do you say to that? If you say I'm a '10' does that mean you're near death and they call a priest? If you say '2' does the doctor say, "Really? Well, why are you in here then? Here's an asprin now go on home an don't waste our time, jerk!" If you say you're a 4 do they say "well, go go home and come back when it gets to around 7, because that's not enough pain to treat you."

So, I thought about it, and said "6, no no, 6.5. I'm a solid 6, doc. Now stick a needle in my lip and numb me up and put some stitches in my mouth so I can put an end to this stupid night." Actually, I didn't say that but I felt like it. He gave me medication and told me to make sure I eat with the medication. I took the medication in the morning, but the problem is that I can't eat much because it takes 42 minutes to eat a slice of bread. So I ate the bread, and then took the pills. Well, they made me nauseous as all hell and so began my 6 hours of throwing up. Not fun. Oh well. It made for an interesting night.

Really?

I just saw an article on this new ride that's going up on the Stratosphere Hotel. Basically, you do a free fall off the top of the Stratosphere. You fall 900 feet and the only thing keeping you from splatting all over the cement is a medal cable. Uh, no thanks! And for all this fun you have to spend 100 bucks. Again, no thanks.

I was also thinking... how much is the 18 year old kid in charge of safely strapping you to the cable getting paid? My guess- like 9.50 an hour. So, if you'd like to spend 100 dollars to put your life in the hands of a teenage kid making 9.50 an hour then this ride is for you! It opens in April. I won't see you there....

PC

The other day I was driving and I heard an advertisement on the radio. It was an AM station. I pretty much listen only to talk radio nowadays. It means I'm getting old. I don't know. I haven't had an FM station on in my car in a couple years. Anyway, I heard a spot for a car dealership and the guy said something along the lines of, "come look at our huge inventory of 'pre-owned' cars." It made me laugh. We live in such a world that we can't call things what they are. USED car in this case. By somehow calling it a 'pre-owned' car does that make it better, or soften the blow that the car sucks?

Our society has become so politically correct and so soft that it really makes me laugh. Since I'm in education, here's one that makes me tickle- GUEST Teacher. For those of you wondering what that is, it's a friggin Substitute Teacher! Or, to call it what it really is, a sub! By somewhow calling a sub a "guest teacher" I guess kids are supposed to honor and respect that teacher more. It's so absurd.

I also heard this one the other day- learning difference. Instead of learning disability, teachers are now saying that "so and so" has a learning difference. Funny, isn't it? I don't know when it was that Americans got so offended by specific terms. Nobody wants to hurt anyobody's feelings these days. America as a whole is getting soft. So next time instead of calling people fat I think i'm going to say "exercise disabled" or "gym deficient". Hey, why not?

Denver

Well, I went to Denver this past week. It was great. I love everything about Denver, except for one thing- the Denver Broncos. They basically screwed me out of winning about 600 dollars. Oh well, that's life. Denver was cold, but I loved every minute of it. We got to hang out with Erin's good friend Laura and her cool husband, Shane. We also got to meet their kids- two adorable little girls. Angels! It was a lovely trip to bring in the New Year. Of the few strangers I talked to and told that I was from Las Vegas all of them asked me why I was in Denver for NYE when I could be in Vegas. Well, like I told them, the Strip for New Year's is an experience. But I've done it plenty of times and Denver was just as fun. I also heard Metro PD nailed 82 people for reasons related to drinking. So, I'm glad I avoided that. Erin and I talked a lot about moving away from Las Vegas. The more and more I think about it- and weigh the options- the more I think I could live somewhere else. I always stick up for Vegas, and I enjoy my life out here, but I think I could enjoy living somewhere else. The thing I enjoy so much about Denver is the different seasons. Vegas doesn't have that. It's basically hot as hell for 6 months, and then pretty chilly for 6 months. No snow, no rain. Not a bad climate, but a change would be nice.